Unfortunately, not everyone in our great state is #stoked about medical marijuana being legal. Lawmakers and the Oklahoma media tried advocating against the drug’s potential benefits, but they quickly realized the public was having none of it.
I mean, let’s be real. It is a drug. But is it really as dangerous as they’d have you believe? I don’t know. I write for an obscure local cannabis culture blog, not a medical journal. But to put it all in perspective — and because I didn’t have anything better to do this weekend — I have compiled a list of things that are probably more dangerous than medical marijuana.
According to the CDC, in 2014 19,388 people in the United States died by alcohol related illnesses, like liver disease and alcohol poisoning. No, dude. That is not counting the other 30,722 people in the country who died by alcohol-induced deaths, like accidents or homicides. So how many died by overdosing on marijuana? Even the Drug Enforcement Agency, which is the government agency equivalent of the pot-bellied D.A.R.E cop who inadvertently taught you how to roll your first joint in middle school, states that as of 2017 there have been no reports of marijuana overdoses.
2. Tide Pods
That’s until some pot head makes MMJ edible Tide Pods.
Religion is one of the top killers in human history. To make matters worse, though there are thousands of them, if you choose the wrong one and you’re doomed for an eternity in hell. Those odds seem more like Russian roulette than a source of comfort. Anyone feeling anxious suddenly?
4. Fried Chicken
According to the Centers for Disease Control (and double vouched in an article by The Lost Ogle contributor Louis Fowler) 24 percent of the time, people in Oklahoma will die every time by how much damn fried foods they eat. Which is really safer: getting a legit prescription for medical marijuana from a legit doctor or eating KFC more than once per week? Research appears to suggest the former. Though my hypothesis is that a side effect of medical marijuana consumption may be munchies for the latter.
5. Oklahoma Lawmakers
I almost feel like I’m copping out when I write this one. It’s just a given.
6. The Communists
So what if the USSR fell in 1991? The threat seems as real as ever. There isn’t one Oklahoman who wouldn’t trade their grandmother’s hearing aid for the chance to punch a commie in the dick. Then again, maybe it’s the Oklahomans themselves who are more dangerous…
7. Even Thinking About Marijuana
You know what is more dangerous than marijuana? Even thinking about marijuana, when you have a police detective for a drug task force as a father. Ya’ll, I had a drug dog living in my backyard in high school. I couldn’t even mull around the idea of trying pot with my punk friends without, Hank somehow reading my mind and subjecting me to a three-hour lecture that started on the subject of weed and always ended with me hypothetically being arrested or going to hell.
Now before you go ranting in the comments section about your “got-damned ‘Merican right” to own a gun or tag me in “Don’t Tread on Me” Facebook posts (looking at you, Jory), hear me out. I am not saying I am for or against guns. That’s another article. What I am saying is that Oklahoma is ranked 5th in gun deaths per capita. Guns just seem to be associated with danger, while marijuana is more associated with living on your uncle’s couch for a couple of months.
9. Nigerian Dwarf Dairy Goats
If the eye is the window to the soul, the gaze of the Nigerian Dwarf Dairy Goat suggests that these animals are Satan incarnate. Just look at those creepy ass rectangle pupils. There is nothing but pure danger in those eyes.
10. Drug Lords
For those of you who haven’t binge watched the Netflix show Narcos, I have two questions for you. First, what is it like to have a big kid adult life with all of your shit together? Second, why are you missing out on a show about all the terrible things drug lords south of the border apparently get away with? Will medical marijuana legalization lead drug lords to look for a second job? I Between 2011 and 2016, marijuana trafficked across the US/Mexico border dropped from an annual 2.5 million pounds to 1.3 million pounds. Not to say that this is correlated with the legalization of marijuana by Colorado and other states, but it’s something.
What is more dangerous? Medical marijuana or communism? Answer Hayley’s question and follow her on twitter @squirrellygeek