Shocking Report: Marijuana Legalization Leads to Increased Snack Sales

Uncle Skunk’s contribution to increased snack sales

I don’t like to think myself a crabby Luddite, but there’s an over saturation of news these days. My news feed is as stuffed with garbage articles as a pair of Wranglers stuffed with Garth Brooks, and I just don’t think my smokey, chokey heart can stand it much longer.

KOCO-5 had such a slow news day they felt the urge to tweet about a groundbreaking report that finds…

“States that have legalized marijuana have seen a higher increase in snack sales compared to states that haven’t”.

This is some hard hitting shit right here, folks; we better hope the news days don’t get any slower. Seeing “reports” such as these parroted by our hometown news crew got me puffing on some Trainwreck and wondering: Who is the secret stoner that pushed for this clickbait to clog up my feed with a horrible video featuring Harold and Kumar? Could it be one of the Ogles — maybe it’s that blonde one!? I’m not sure, ever since the government took the airwaves that Channel 5 used for my antenna. Thank the Thunder Lizard I can still get Channels 4 and 9!

Call me paranoid off that new strain I picked up, but it’s not too far gone to think of a snack-profits-boosting scheme that goes all the way to the top of the Ogle hierarchy. It all makes perfect sense now! Spread those Ogle guys and gals all throughout the Oklahoma news infrastructure to better position themselves to push for pro-cannabis legislation —all the while secretly buying up all the snack stocks they can get their hands on. I betcha The Lost Ogle even got in on this. No wonder Taki’s have become so popular this past year or so. I better calm down before they come to get me and get back to the point…

Stoners/patients are going to get the munchies and increase some sales. No shit. An article pointing out that “Marijuana consumption has been clinically and anecdotally shown to increase a consumers’ appetite and enjoyment of food,” just doesn’t deserve the time. A better angle would focus on how stoners like us have helped boost the state’s economy and increase tax revenue by buying both cannabis and snacks.

Make the tokers the real heroes of this story, and make the article interesting enough to warrant the space in my news feed. 

tOkie born, tOkie bred and when I’m high, I’m tOkie dead — Uncle Skunk


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