When it comes to smoking, I keep it simple with a pipe or joint. But there are some types of people simply not satisfied with the purist ways; they crave impossibly expensive bongs.
Whether attributable to ignorance, pride or pure stupidity, these are the people you run into with ridiculous smoking paraphernalia.
1. The Rich Frat Bros
“Yo dude! You’ve got to come check out this sick piece I picked up yesterday! It’s got four chambers, percolating spirals and a custom ash catcher that doubles as a hash pipe. Bro! It cost me…like…$2,000, but it’s soooo worth the price tag,” Chad says, as he accidentally knocks the bong to the floor and it shatters into a million pieces.
The Rich Frat Bros will most likely have a bonfire that evening in remembrance of the fallen house bong, perform racially insensitive songs and ritualistically haze Chad until he loses consciousness, goes through the tunnel to the bright light and is intercepted by a disappointed Jesus saying, “Oh, hell no, bro. You gotta go…back.”
2. The Noob
This fellow has just received his OMMA card in the mail, after a lifetime of abstinence, and has decided to go all-in on this new medical craze. After buying 10 different strains to sample, an electric grinder, and the most expensive (and complicated) top shelf bong, he goes home…and immediately coughs up a lung. The bong will be promptly stashed away in the closet and forgotten, as he realizes that a vape pen is much more convenient and easy to use.
3. The Fanboy/Girl
Fandoms of popular culture and media are living in a golden era of merchandising. The internet gives fangirls and boys instant and constant access to a wide array of things you can slap a name or face on. So, naturally, it must also permeate the stoner culture. From Rick and Morty pipes to bong versions of Sponge Bob’s house, there seems to be no limit to the imagination of these bongsmiths! If they can dream it up in a THC-induced frenzy, The Fanboy/Girl will buy it! This piece will see extensive use during the peak popularity of the property upon which it’s modeled…and then sold in a yard sale for 25-cents a decade later.
4. The Something-to-Prove Dude
Like the guy who buys a big house or foreign car to make up for his shortcomings, this stoner has got to show off how much of a badass he is at smoking weed. The bong is taller than he is in thick-soled shoes—and requires a chair and a crowd of at least five to use to its full effect. As his unwitting assistant fires up the bowl, The Something-to-Prove Dude looks out at the crowd, smiling, and inhales the entire contents of the six-foot chamber. With the smoke still burning inside, he takes a shot of Kentucky Deluxe and chugs a Natty Light, before exhaling—his arms held dramatically to the sky! This man is surely King Arthur and this bong his Excalibur.
5. The Snob
Technically, Karen, it is a functional glass sculpture depicting phases of the moon…made by a yogi in an active volcano using ancient techniques and native materials that were ethically sourced. But you wouldn’t know much about that, would you? It really should go without saying, but you will never get to smoke out this bong; it will sit on The Snob’s mantle as a conversation piece, looking down at you over dinner—a silent witness to your inferiority.
Uncle Skunk coughs like a bitch every time he hits a bong…