That red headed stranger Willie Nelson sure has blazed a fat, lucrative path for celebrity cannabis brands with Willie’s Reserve. I wondered, When will Oklahoma’s celeb heroes get in on the action?
The answer is, this weekend at Cannabis Cup!
You already can’t believe Oklahoma City scored the fucking Cannabis Cup. Not in your wildest smokedreams! Here’s another thing you won’t (and shouldn’t) believe:
These 5 Okie Celeb Weed Brands Are Making Their Debut at Cannabis Cup!
Here’s your exclusive* preview:
1. Heady Fwends
There was no doubt in my mind that the Flaming freaks and their fearless leader would be the first to dip their glittery fingertips into the legal pot business. Psychedelic-colored joints and pink robot bongs will very soon line the shelves of the merchandising area in your neighborhood dispensary, while strains such as Giant Bubble Bud, Yeah Yeah Yeah Haze and Miley Cheese are expected to overflow from genitalia-shaped jars. Where there’s a weird, there’s a Wayne, and we can’t wait to sample the wacky that will flow from this new Okie celeb cannabis brand.
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2. I ❤️ This Weed & Seed
Toby Keith has already ventured into the restaurant business and even opened his own country club (where he can frequently be spotted in dirty, moist-looking sweatpants — much to the horror of the middle class fancies who golf there). So it only makes sense he would open a dispensary/grow house. With a distinctly honky tonk ambiance and rustic, rural charm, this place will surely become the hub where old-timers gather in sweatpants with coffee to give the bud tenders a hard time and talk about how the weed in their day wasn’t so strong…and young people have it too easy these days. To learn more about their products, follow the sweatpants to his I ❤️ This Weed & Seed booth at Cannabis Cup.
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3. OG Westbrook
This is the strain everyone will be buzzing about — dying to try — but it will only be available at one store. The THC content is so high it will triple-doubly fuck your shit up. There will be an epic dispensaries war, as they duke it out for brand exclusivity. We predict OG Westbrook wins at 2019 Cannabis Cup for Best Bud That Ever Fucking Existed but will eventually be challenged and overtaken by a younger, newer strain. Ultimately, we have a feeling this buzzy Oklahoma City-based brand won’t develop strong roots and will trade the 405 for greener pastures.
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4. Bud ‘Round Here
This here is a working man’s smoke. Something earned by an honest day’s work. Only Shelton could capture the true southern heart of Oklahoma so well with his backwoods backroads knowledge and skill. After its Cannabis Cup debut, this is the brand just about everyone on Lake Texoma will be smoking. It’s positioned to be a grassroots fave. Unfortunately, same as his life-collabo with Gwen Stefani, Bud ‘Round Here seems destined to devolve into a harajuku cowboy brand with bedazzled bongs and tramp-stamped dabs. A tragic kingdom, no doubt.
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5. Stitt Skunk
Who wouldn’t want nugs as fat and hairy and glorious as our Governor’s brows! After a failed attempt by the ruling class to stop legalization of medical marijuana in Oklahoma, the new governor and former businessman is looking rather thoughtfully to the future: Turning to the cash crop of sticky icky to help make Oklahoma a Top 10 State.
During a pre-launch press junket late yesterday, Gov. Stitt said, “If Stitt Skunk becomes a Top 10 Brand…and we are not prohibited from doing business in Oklahoma…I vow to divert all profits from Stitt Skunk back into my bigass state checkbook and halt my mugging-in-progress of the Tribal Casinos.” (Editor’s note: We have been unable to confirm reports Stitt’s fingers were crossed). Red weed for a red state; there’s no denying the power this brand will undoubtedly wield in the conservative households of Southern Baptists who also love brazenly bushy brows.
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* and also fake
I thought this post was going to be serious. Wayne and Toby? Believable!
The rest: not so much. Good one, Skunk!