Oklahoma City has fallen prey to the claws of immorality, and I won’t stand for it! What the heck am I talking about? I’m talking about the High Times Cannabis Cup, a terrifying conflagration of sloth and sin that threatens to entangle its poison vines in the endangered souls of thousands of future-born-again-Christians this weekend.
What exactly is this ‘Cannabis Cup’ all the young people are chattering about? I’d love to help you get woke, so that you will join me in protesting this wicked travesty!
The Cannabis Cup is a celebration of all things marijuana. It involves devil worship, among many other shame-worthy sideshows.
After hearing about this event, I sought the counsel of a troubled friend of mine to gather more intel on what historically transpires at these traveling dens of iniquity. Apparently, this event has seen action in some rather notable cities…one of them you might recognize is Detroit.
Need I remind you of the shambles Detroit is in? I think President Trump said it was a “rat-infested, craphole city” or something like that. And what, pray tell, do you think caused this? Systemic poverty, crooked cops and apathy from the rest of the nation? Definitely no. The Cannabis Cup is to blame. According to my heathen source, the Detroit Cannabis Cup was “wicked awesome” and contained no less than “shitloads of free dank.”
How vulgar! No thank you. Our city has enough issues threatening to bring down the wrath of the man upstairs — like a mayor who doesn’t recognize that God has called upon us to hate the gays and immigrants.
OKC’s Cannabis Cup will have no less than HUNDREDS of vendors all vying to snatch hard-earned US dollars from circulation and replace them with those filthy jazz cigarettes. These zombies will be gathered in mass at the Lost Lakes Amphitheater on both August 24th and 25th (aren’t those dates part of an Illuminati code that Q references in his crumbs about satanic rituals?). I can only hope there’s sufficient police presence to quell the incipient riots and general mayhem these dope junkies will certainly engage in.
Oh, and to make matters worse? There will be several “world class musicians” making an appearance and undoubtedly singing lyrics laden with subliminal satanic subtext to incite these degenerates to violence. I wonder if ANTIFA and George Soros are behind this.
Thank you for the offer, but I’ll be busy at home tending gently to the buds of my soul, with some wholesome Tim Hawkins comedy records on repeat.
“This is just a bullshit opinion piece. I’m totally still going and risking my life, Both now and in the hereafter, for a devil’s lettuce party this weekend,” you say?
1. Watch your frickin’ mouth.
2. I have actual PROOF these stoners can’t be trusted:
For like 48 straight hours, these drug addicts accidentally (while most certainly under the influence of Dre and Dro) made the tickets to their event free to the public. Idiots. If they can’t be trusted to do something as simple as sell tickets, do you really trust them to help you snort reefer? Checkmate, sinners.
3. The government is in on it. You won’t believe this!
There will be an area where our TRUSTED officers are actually allowing these animals to spark up their drug pipes and dookie all over the morality we’ve curated in the past century.
4. Did you know there is a church nearby?
For heaven’s sake. What if those dope clouds are sucked into the walls of that place of worship?
Please join me in 100% totally not going to Cannabis Cup, which has tickets for sale here. Let’s do our parts to make Oklahoma as great (fair, informed, etc.) as it was in 1907! #MOGA!
Bless up, don’t blaze up.