Well here I am, alive. I survived the brutal, disorganized, opening day of OKC Cannabis Cup. I’m still uncertain whether my article warning you not to go was satirical or proof of my own clairvoyance.
To put it bluntly, the festival was shitty – very, very, VERY shitty. And dangerous. But don’t take my word for it:
Wait, what? Were we even at the same event? My hellish Cannabis Cup experience — and that of fellow attendees who flocked to social media to share their shock — was the opposite of that High Times video. Let’s start from the top…
It began as a great day. I, the bum who usually nose-goes his way out of driving, volunteered to pick up my buddy. We had prepared medication to bring to this event and spent days planning and excitedly discussing Cannabis Cup weekend. We grabbed an over-sized helping of Chicken Express and headed down the highway around noon, in hopes of beating the crowd.
Little did we know, the whole event would turn into a paranoid sativa nightmare.
Once we arrived at the amphitheater, it took precisely 40 minutes to find suitable (if not legal) parking. After dealing with a very surly, clearly-in-need-of-a-vape-pen security guard at the only actual parking area, we ended up on the side of the road, parked about a mile from the gate:
— Shannon P. Hymen (@steveharveyhog) August 25, 2019
After bridging the mile-long gap between our questionable parking spot and the main “parking lot,” we beheld a sight that stripped me of all hope: The line. It stretched entirely around the weirdly-placed, over-sized pond and off beyond my field of vision, behind hastily-constructed tents.
We entered the line at 1:20 p.m. In the more than three hours that followed, I witnessed countless hustlers in line, scamming people out of hundreds of dollars; ambulances rescuing multitudes of individuals who had succumb to heat exhaustion or worse; and more rebel flag tattoos than I would expect to see at the damn rodeo.
The parking clusterfuck and three- to five-hour wait in line, though, are secondary complaints to the biggest dropped bong: The lack of available water.
Apparently, organizers either didn’t know, or didn’t care, that thousands of marijuana patients would be standing in line in the scorching, humid Oklahoma heat for hours and hours suffering dry mouth and dehydration. There was no H2O. Aside from the pond, there wasn’t a drop of water in sight. People were passing out, having heat strokes, etc. I was stunning by the sheer number of ambulances seen going back and forth from this shit-show.
And don’t get me started on the aforementioned grifters. I personally witnessed a guy get scammed out of $100 in about 90 seconds. The hustle involved three bottle caps and one guess as to which held a little trinket beneath it. They’d let the idiot win a couple times before running up the bill on them. It was the Wild West.
After waiting in line long enough to watch the Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, we were greeted, inside, with a sight that left us perplexed and more than a little pissed:
A handful of locations were selling beverages near the stage that greets you beyond the gate, all of which were absolutely slammed with dehydrated individuals doing everything in their power to not suffer a heat stroke. Get this: There were only syrupy soft drinks available to buy. THEY DIDN’T EVEN THINK TO FUCKING PROVIDE WATER INSIDE THE EVENT.
Once inside Cannabis Cup, I took in the sparse area in which we found ourselves and caught myself wondering, “Is this…is this it?”
Then, across yet another pond, we spotted the area where smoking was permitted. That’s not to say everyone hadn’t been letting it rip from the road to the return trip, but this was the only area you were “allowed” to, without risking the gestapo-esque security making your sweaty existence even worse. This designated medicating area was at least a half mile away from the stage, at the end of a muddy, desolate path that snaked along the pond. Seriously? More walking in the heat for your shitty event?
— Shannon P. Hymen (@steveharveyhog) August 25, 2019
After trekking through the mud and entering the “smoking area,” we were presented with the only redeeming quality of this event: Free rips. We waited for over three hours in line to stomp around in a steaming-hot wasteland for a few free dab rips.
I’ll admit, there were a few dozen tents and booths giving away shirts and swag, but is that really what any of us endured this for? Hell no.
Sunburnt, tired and dealing with the munchies, we eventually left OKC Cannabis Cup about an hour after we got inside and made the mile-long journey to our car. We were relatively lucky; others who arrived later reportedly spent upwards of five hours in line only to have event staff close the gates on ticket-holders and say, Sorry, we are at capacity.
Although I’d love to talk to the manager of the event and get an apology and free bottle of water, I guess it did provide some good exercise and life lessons. Plus, I’ll get to tell my kids someday that I Survived the Fyre Festival of Oklahoma Weed.
—Shoutout to my boys Kelly and Jamie for helping me survive this nightmare with good humor and good doinks.
14 thoughts on “I Survived: OKC Cannabis Cup Descends Into Fyre Festival-Inspired Nightmare…”
Yep, I injured my foot during my brief 1/3 life crisis attempting to skateboard and couldn’t make it. I’m kinda glad now. Sorry about the shit show. But hey, Chicken Express, those words make the Lil Texas boy buried deep inside me jump around with joy.
I had great time. Got there early, waited in line for an hour, water every 30 feet, water inside and alcohol, got my free poster and t shirt and bought a nicer t shirt on my way out. Your experience was not everyone’s experience. Opinion editorials are just that, opinions. Should have planned your outing better.
Sunday wasn’t much better
The description reminds me less of Fyre Festival and more of the original Woodstock. In both cases, the organizers were totally unprepared for the large number of people who showed up. But Woodstock would have been a lot more fun.
Thanks to Uncle Lenny for his sacrifices in the interests of great journalism.
Woodstock sounds like it was one hell of a trip.
That’s the first time anyone has referred to my work as “journalism”… let alone “great journalism”
Made my day.
Rock on, Graychin. Have a Monday as dope as your online demeanor.
Lenny. This is Daniel Lewis with The Cowboy Cup in Stillwater. We would like to tell you about our event. Email me at email@example.com with your contact info if you dont mind. We will make sure they dont need to come back.
Gotta love a Cannabis Cup that is held before the outdoor grown harvest. I’m guessing this event was more about the money making than the good weed partaking.
Wow I went to this event on sunday and watched slightly stoopid and it was awesome. You sound like a baby I parked farther then anyone and I didnt complain
3 hour wait in VIP line, got there at 1:00 on Saturday, got in at 4:00. Got 1 cold piece of pizza, T-shirts we’re almost gone, and luckily got posters but they ran out. Very poorly planned. Ambulances everywhere. When we went through they were running out of pizza. So I don’t know what all the other people who paid the VIP prices got once they ran out of everything. Hoping for refunds. You would think they would be experienced in doing these events but maybe not. Are people going to be asking for refunds?
Don’t worry everyone will be selling water next day… Cannabis cups aren’t for trust fund kids or babies… buck up my fellow okies… sound like some one from LA wrote this… every cup has hours in line waiting…. so there is no shootings or stabbings as only pot smokers are peaceful and docile enough to do it
You watched slightly stoopid on purpose?
Don’t hire stoners to plan events. Don’t hire stoners to take bids on events from stoners. You hire a professional event management agency with a lick of sense how to make sure they provide BASIC human needs for large masses of human beings. Will this state EVER stop doing every cool thing half-ass? People have been pulling off Hempfest since the 1990s and I’ve never heard of shit going south like this. Even people who the Medieval Faire in Norman or the Caste in Muskogee could run this 100 times better. There are obviously high-functioning stoners out there who got great grades in college and have multiple degrees and can probably dig a pit toilet, make a litter, and perform first aid, as well as make sure porta-potties are cleaned and people are served. They just didn’t hire them.
What it sounds like here is Uncle Lenny suffers from pussyidos.. You didn’t get any free Shwag? That because the first 4500 people got it all, You know? The number they were expecting to show up then they got hit with over 10,000 people in the park. You probably haven’t organized much in your life other than your cats sock collection, So if you think you can do better you lazy stoner then you should try.. You should also hit up the man upstairs if you believe in him and ask him why he decided to send rain and storms the week of the said event.. You should have seen the vendors area on Sunday morning. It was fucking destroyed! High Times had shitty lines due to their lack of understanding but again when an extra 6000 people show up it makes things very difficult to control. Who suckers into the 3 card Monty idiots anyway? Probably the same dude that spent his life fortune to win a stuffed banana at the fair. I think at this point the only people that should be bitching is the disabled folks but not your normal smoker that barely has a damn thing wrong with him but still went to the doctor and got his card. I’m all for recreational but when abled bodied individuals bitch about how lazy they actually are it’s really only a laughing matter. You’re a fool, And it shows. Maybe you need to get out of your house a little more.. QUIT playing that WOW bullshit and go for a walk from time to time.. Don’t forget what state you live in…. You did see the theme of this cup right? “Storm Chasers” sounds like they knew what they were getting into…
Get with the times, old man. Us degenerates play Fortnite now.
I can see you’ve got the time.