They’re NOT Watching You! 5 Tips to Survive Cannabis-Induced Paranoia

Alright, ya done did it. You took a puff too many, you vaped too voraciously, you couldn’t comprehend how a single brownie could ever be considered ten servings of THC…and you ate it all, in your brownie-loving hubris.

Now your palms are sweaty, your knees are weak, your arms are heavy, and you’re incredibly hungry for any spaghetti. You. Are. Too. Damn. High.

Don’t worry! I promise you will be fine. Here are a few tips for when you over-medicate and fall deep down an internet rabbit hole (current activity: figuring out, once and for all, if those creepy Furby things from the 90s really were government agents).

Tip #1: Remember, You Are Not Going to Die

This is just a fact. No human has ever died as a result of consuming cannabis. What you’re feeling will go away with time. So sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. I find bad cannabis experiences get WAY worse when you fight them.

You have to treat ‘consuming too much cannabis’ like my parents treat me ‘using my college degree to pursue stand-up comedy’ — just give in to it. Let it happen. Hopefully, you’ll giggle a bunch when you do!

Tip #2: Find Some Awesome Munchies

I’m not gonna lie, I don’t believe this truly makes you any less high. I don’t think that is possible. But I do know it’s hard to care about how high you are, when you are completely lost in a beautiful slice of pizza. Pizza has long been the only version of Pi I find myself engrossed in. Cannabis turns that favorite food of mine into something of a religious experience.

Find your favorite food and abandon yourself to it. What a fantastic distraction from those racing thoughts about the government and UFOs (two wings, one bird)!

Tip #3: Drink a Lot of Water!

Sober or stoned, water is a pretty, pretty, pretty big deal. Our bodies are nearly 70 percent water, which is roughly the same percentage of Planet Earth covered by ocean. Cannabis needs water to grow…it’s all the same, maaaaaaaaan.

Keep and sip a plentiful, on-hand source of water to alleviate dry mouth and give yourself something to focus on (two birds, one stone). Just drink your fucking water, okay?

Tip # 4: Take a Shower

This is one of my personal favorite #protips to calm, when that confounding cannabis crescendo overwhelms your senses.

Showers are great! Like a warm, welcoming hug to wash away both your worries and that pipe resin that’s been smeared on the back of your hand since that third bowl you probably shouldn’t have loaded. The shower is also one of the few places on the planet where it’s socially acceptable to be naked, and pants suck.

I find that standing under a hot stream of water and taking deep, regular breaths is a fantastic way to calm both a racing mind and body. You’ll also smell better. But please keep it under five minutes; we’ve got a planet to take care of — a planet that grows cannabis!

Tip #5: Eat Something With a Lot of Black Pepper

It’s true, this one sounds like it probably involves crystals and magick spells, but I promise, there’s significant science behind it. Black pepper contains large amounts of a terpene called Pinene (Hi, I’m Trever, and I will not shut the hell up about terpenes).

Pinene is a terpene shown to synergize with THC to provide relief from the anxiety cannabis can unfortunately produce. Black pepper can help you chill and lose the paranoia. So grab something peppery and gesundheit!

Every person who’s been high enough to surrender to the siren song of cannabis-induced paranoia turned out perfectly okay. YOU. WILL. BE. OKAY. So sit back, enjoy…and know that I’m incredibly jealous. It’s hard for me to get to that Oh God I’m dying! point and, honestly, I miss it! 

—Go see Trever this weekend at Blue Whale Comedy Festival, where he’ll be rocking the stage in the Oklahomie Showcase.

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