Miles of Munchies: The Essential Oklahoma State Fair Stoner Foods

Either time is moving faster or I’m just getting stoneder, but it’s hard to believe the great State Fair of Oklahoma (I can’t even type that without hearing the damned jingle) gets underway next week! It feels like just yesterday we were getting rained on at the Arts Festival.

I usually limit myself to a state fair trip once every five years, just to keep my visits fresh. But now that I have a license to get medically hungry, I have a feeling I might throw caution to the wind and get uncomfortably full on some of the fair’s best fare.

Remember not to forget your vape or these five state fair foods your stoned ass needs to hunt down and ravish at the Oklahoma State Fair next week:

Philly Cheesesteak Mac & Cheese

I’m not going to bullshit around with you. It may not look like much, but this was the best thing I’ve ever had at the state fair. Scratch that, any fair, and I wasn’t even high. The creamy cheese sauce with peppers covering the perfectly cooked pasta with a huge portion of scrumptious pieces of meat sprinkled on top…I was blown away! This is a meal I am not willing to share with my family — yeah, it’s that good. Whatever it takes…Find. This. Food.

Turkey Leg

I’m including this foul, fowl thing for two reasons. To save myself the torment of your “where’s them legs?” comments and to warn you. Maybe you didn’t go to the Medieval Fair in Norman or it’s been a while since you’ve had one, but they suck! Not only are they outrageously overpriced and stringy, but you look funny as hell gnawing on this huge hunk of meat. Your fair photo might even end up on The Lost Ogle. Oh, wait. We don’t do that anymore? Fun haters!

Funnel Cake

Please don’t try this one alone! It’s a massive gut bomb no case of munchies could match. This deceptively fluffy treat has fooled many an Okie into thinking they could eat the whole thing, only to be thrown in the trash. From the fried goodness of the dough to the blizzard of powdered sugar on top, this is the perfect sweet treat to share with your favorite fair goer.

Deep Fried Shit

It doesn’t matter the filling — meat, cheese, Oreos, butter — this heart-attack-on-a-stick will really get those clogged arteries working overtime to keep your fried-food-eating ass alive. I’m not sure if we reached peak “let’s fry it and try it” a few years back with fried Coke, but the promise of deep fried Nutella will surely be a hit with the usual folks, if they survived last years fair feast.

Jug-O-Root Beer

Ok. This last one isn’t a food. But nothing washes down the grease of a meal at the fair like a jug of root beer. Not too sweet or thick, this beer of root has the unique distinction of having a line longer than any ride. If you can stand the wait and not pass out from the heat, you will be rewarded with the nectar of the gods. My only complaint is that I need a gallon sized jug, not this puny quart. What is this, a jug for ants?

—Uncle Skunk went to the fair last year and won’t return until 2023. 

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