I had planned to write about headache strains, but I have a bigger headache: These new medical marijuana laws, House Bill 2612. Can we just chill for two minutes before enacting more? I’m still not even sure if the last set of laws went into effect. Can somebody contact Durbin Law Firm please?
The Happy Ogle is hard at work on a more inclusive stoner summary of key provisions of HB 2612, but I want to focus on the part that sticks out to me as absurd — the lab testing Catch 22. Specifically:
HB 2612 REQUIRES PRODUCT TESTING TO BE CONDUCTED BY A PROPERLY LICENSED LABORATORY…BUT APPLICATIONS FOR A LABORATORY LICENSE do not exist Yet.
When I read about this part of the law, it was late at night. I figured I must stoned. But then I read it again and, yep, that’s right: Medical marijuana products are required to be tested by properly licensed labs that do not exist. They don’t even have applications, yet. Are we a great state or what? Until legislators and regulators can get their shit together, I have some ideas on how to test medical marijuana products without a laboratory:
1. Employee Benefits Package
Make ‘testing medical marijuana’ products part of your business’s employee benefits package. Send some complimentary product home each evening with your employees. They come back the next day to report on them — discuss the scores, reach a consensus — and done! Medical marijuana patients can be 100 percent confident in what they are buying, when groupthink is involved in the testing.
2. Hire Wayne Coyne
Growers and processors could hire Wayne Coyne to test each product personally. Not only does this provide tacit celebrity endorsement of the Flaming Lips frontman, but Wayne is so good he can actually and accurately identify the percentages of THC and CBD in each strain. With just a single inhale. There isn’t a “properly licensed” tester in the world who can do that! Upgrade to the premium testing service, and Wayne will also list the terpene profile and its corresponding glitter profile, which is sort of like if you could taste a terpene’s color and sparkle. It’s a helpful thing to know.
3. Guided Tours with Testing
Grow companies could offer guided tours, and participants could test strains along the way and give their results. To keep it simple for visual learners, the rating scale could be various illustrated funny faces, which the testers would circle to indicate how the weed stacks up in various categories. How serious do you feel? How high are you? Things of that nature. Not only could growers charge for the tours, they wouldn’t have to pay for the testing. Can you believe the small-minded growers…complaining about how expensive it would be to implement the product testing! Boy were they wrong.
4. The Happy Ogle Writers
I will sacrifice myself and my fellow writers to any businesses needing testing services. My ratings are on a scale of 1-10, with an occasional 15.2. Sometimes I use emojis. I’m not sure about the fellas, but I’m guessing Trever’s has to do with pizza and James how comfy his shorts are. Just a guess. Anyway, we will happily test any products that make their way to The Happy Ogle global headquarters (do not mail them; that’s federally illegal).
5. Customer Reviews
Just slap a positive Leafly review (in 1.5-point type) on the side of the container and call it good. I mean, that’s where most of us get our info, anyway. Who gives a shit if the strain is 20% instead of 22% THC? Do a quick Google search of MJ testing equipment. Businesses will have to pass these testing costs onto consumers and I, for one, would not appreciate that. What I do appreciate: A business savvy enough to tell me what I need to know and keep costs low.
For the record, I’m not for or against lab testing. But I am for local small businesses. And I’m also for slowing down and doing things right. I guess I’m weird like that. The only scientifically accurate way to test marijuana products is in very expensive labs. How many laboratory applications has the state approved? Oh wait, I almost forgot: The applications for laboratory licenses don’t even exist yet.
— Melissa is accepting all non-lab-tested cannabis anybody is giving away.