A Stoner’s Guide to the Oklahoma State Fair

You ever been to the fair? You ever been to the fair…on weed? If you haven’t, I highly recommend that you do, as going to the fair unmedicated is akin to watching a guy being killed on live TV (too soon)?

As a recognized authority on these things, I’d like to share with you the eight skunkiest ways to be your best ganjanaut and have a stonerific day at the great state fair of Oklahoma.

1. Treat Yo Self to a Top Shelf High

Pregame. I like to make sure if I’m doing something special — including a once-every-five-years trip to the state fair — I go all out to treat myself. Do your future self a solid: Buy a cavi cone, some top shelf bud, high THC resin or edible…and treat yo self. Splurge for once, ya cheap bastard! Enjoy spending money on your product for a change; this is an experience in and of itself. For those of you who do splurge on awesome weed all the time, shame on you! Introduce some frugality into your life and make an eighth last a week!

2. Go on a Thursday Afternoon

Setting. It’s one of the most important rules of substances. There’s no way you want to be sack to the hack and hell as high in a large, sweaty crowd of gun-toting fair folk. A weekday afternoon is the perfect time to have the place to yourself and not deal with the masses. The only downside of going on a Thursday afternoon is some things may be closed. Actually, there’s one more downside: The struggling musicians booked to play on this crowd-forsaken day. Sad for everyone involved.

3. Buy an Armband for Chrissakes

This all-you-can-ride pass to potential death and dismemberment will set you back an eighth of top shelf, but you should break down and buy the armband anyway, to ensure you are set up to have the maximum level of fun. Just do it and accept your fate.

4. Let the Edible Kick in, Go Look at Quilts and Shit

You know those buildings in the back you never go in? Guess what, they are AIR CONDITIONED #protip! And they’re full of cool shit that little kids, shut-ins and grandmas spend all year making. Being medicated makes this ragtag assembly of people and crafts supremely fascinating. You will feel so happy for all the love Karen put into that polyester quilt of many colors.

If the edible is coming on too strong or if — as usual — the midday midway sun is too hot, dip into these oases of AC and trippy patterns. Maybe catch a live cooking demonstration or something else!

5. Ride Shit, Try to Get High on the Ride

It will forever cement you in my Liber Coolio, if you can get a video or pic of yourself smoking a joint on a rollery coastery type of ride. Or hitting a bong at the apex of that huge boat thing that swings back and forth. Vapes don’t count! Remind me to pitch Patrick on this…a new state fair contest!

6. Eat Everything

Like the armband you wear, this might cost you a bit. But your high, growling stomach will lead you to delicacies you never imagined possible. It will also lead you to all the classic fair foods that are a rite of passage for stoners. Pro tip: Don’t try to eat the display cake behind the glass, I don’t care how hard your munchies hit.

7. Be High, Get High Scores

Channel your inner Westbrook(?) and sink some threes; toss some rings onto bottles; pop balloons; race horses; shoot shit..Idk, I’m fading fam. Be the stoned savant the carnies never saw coming, and win some overvalued stuffed thing for your honey.

8. Give Weed Seeds to the 4H Kids

Try to remember to take along some seeds from bags past, and hand them out to those ag kids. Put them in a fancy package touting, plant a tree, plant a life or some shit like that. Who knows, maybe we’ll be starting the next great generation of cultivators of dank! That makes this a greater good type of thing, really.

—Uncle Skunk went to Veg Fest for the free botanical gardens entry and left for Coney Island. 

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