Holy Smoke! Tricks & Tips to Hide Your High at Life.Church

Praise be unto whatever higher power you deem worthy of worship. With Oklahoma’s mediGanja program going strong and a Rastafarian church still nowhere in sight, it only makes sense to give 10% of your salary to the local, franchised house of worship — and to get through services high…on the spirit! Undetected.

Whether you attend any of the 20 Oklahoma Life.Church locations because you believe…or because you were dragged along, your local know-it-all of being high in places you probably shouldn’t has some tips to hide your high, before they find out and stone you — and not in the good way.

Sit in the Front

The front row is unspokenly reserved for the Holy Ghost, people who have passed on and brown nosers. Where better to half-listen to the preacher rail against the sins of medical marijuana with a smile on your face! The only downside to this tactic is how well you can hear the Life.Church Worship Team Band play. Unless the pastor needs a volunteer, you’re pretty much safe. Nobody messes with the people in front.

Hang with the Old ladies

Biddies beware! The next big-bearded weirdo to saunter up and politely ask to take the seat beside you might be high on the devil‘s lettuce! The fumes of Chanel No. 5 wafting off these wonderful women will mask any hint of weed you might be carrying. Bask in the glow of their compliments, as they marvel at your youthful hair, skin, nails and teeth — all while commenting on how they wished they could go back in time…and how you remind them of their recently-deceased husband. Bonus: The old ladies at Life.Church always pass out hard candy!

ABP (Always Be Praying)

Feeling self-conscious about those red, irritated eyes? Bow your head, close thine eyes and try not to fall asleep. People at Life.Church have two reactions to seeing you “pray:” leave you the hell alone or double the praying power by joining in. Either way, just hold the position and move your lips ever so slightly while mumbling to yourself. It’s a sure-fire way to fly low while being high. Be forewarned: If they join in, they will clasp hold of your shoulder faster than an Oklahoma GOP shill bends and spreads for an oil and gas overlord.

Read the Bible

Christians, you gotta admit…there’s some weird shit in that book. I don’t want to go blow-for-blow through the minutiae, but damn! Someone must’ve been high when writing this thing. The smart move is to load up beforehand on a couple go-to verses, so you aren’t just flipping through the Bible like Blake Shelton writing “God’s Country.” Rookie mistake. I can guarantee you this: Not a single soul will dare to make contact with your devilishly red eyes while they are glued to the Good (albeit strange) Book.

Feel the Spirit

If all else fails and you feel the judgmental eyes of fellow parishioners ripping through your sullied soul, try this: Jump up and down, pump your fists in the air and begin speaking loudly in tongues! I will warn you, it is not for the faint of heart; this approach is best paired with a strong sativa and a thirst for weirdness. That’s right. The “J” you’re high on is Jesus! At least that’s what they’ll think. The real reward comes when others see you feeling the spirit so strong they feel compelled join in! Life.Church can be competitive; no one wants you to outshine them before the Son of God. In my experience, once you get more than five other people whipped up in a nonsensical frenzy, you can consider yourself 100% safe — a job well done.

—Uncle Skunk is a Pastafarian and will be giving the invocation at the next City Hall meeting.

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