I’m really disappointed that our big brother is promoting lazy Oklahoma Halloween costumes — including ones that paint medical marijuana cardholders as parent-mooching, won’t-stop-talking-about-weed types. Quite frankly, my feelings are hurt. Maybe I’m a sensitive snowflake today, but I feel we’re all more creative after a Steven Adams-sized hit.
Oklahoma stoners, we need to step up our game and prove to everyone we can do more than get munchies and space out. This here is a call to all my fellow patients to rise up, smoke up, and come up with something ambitious and follow through to the end with amazing results! Short on ideas? Try switching to a straight sativa while you’re planning your patients-only party, and check out these five ambitious Oklahoma stoner costumes for inspiration:
Let’s start with an easy one. The supply list is short — as is the level of artistic talent needed to turn the favorite thing in your wallets into a crowd-pleasing costume. Get a large piece of white poster board and a bigass black Sharpie. Mark it up to match your license and cut a square hole where your face should be. You don’t even need clothes! Simply hold up the card to frame your face, and walk around the party telling everyone the medical condition from which you suffer is glaucoma in your third eye. Pro tip: If you don’t put your patient number, date of birth and expiration date as 4/20, you’re doing it wrong.
Seriously! This lady deserves a costume in her honor for all the things she’s done to promote marijuana in Oklahoma. Head down to your local thrift shop and buy the best church lady pant suit you can find. Bonus points for a coordinating scarf. Be sure to walk around the party, spreading the word about how much Connie deserves a prayer candle with her face on it. Saint Connie, Patron Saint of Tokelahomans everywhere. White people, don’t even make us say it.
For every hero like Connie Johnson, there’s a villain like Julie Ezell — the self-described ‘pretty lady lawyer’ who faked threatening (but flattering!) emails to herself from disgruntled stoners. Both men and women could easily pull this costume off (see what I mean?), but to do it properly will require grandma’s Mary Kay makeup, a boxy blazer and plenty of costume jewelry. Authenticity points for showing other party-goers the menacing emails you sent yourself from a burner account.
Cardboard Jim Traber
This one will take artistic talent and acting skills to do ambitiously (unless you can talk Patrick into borrowing his). The trick here is to create a basic cardboard suit; paint your face into a smarmy, contemptuous sneer; go to a party looking like a big, loud braggart who is always right and yells over you to get your point across…only to be a still and silent as a cardboard statue. It’ll blow minds.
The Green Buffalo, Green House, The Joint, Cannabis Island…if you take things literally enough, almost any dispensary name becomes a crazy costume. Take chances and liberties with your interpretation of their store name. But don’t be afraid to straight up steal their logo. You never know, if you tag them in the many party pics you’ll take this weekend, you might get a discount?