The Ultimate Stoner’s Guide to Halloween Night in Oklahoma


Tonight will basically be the first Halloween since medical marijuana dispensaries populated every street corner in Oklahoma, and I have written just the guide to ensure you don’t ruin it forever. Nothing says ’good time’ like passing out candy and strolling the neighborhood high as fuck, while nothing ruins it faster than being higher than fuck. It’s a subtle but important distinction to make.

Pass out the Correct Candy

I know the urge to pass out THC gummies to all the obvious stoners patients who accompany their rugrats to your front door may be overwhelming — I mean, who wouldn’t want to be known as the coolest person on the block — but the danger here is overwhelming. Think of the children! If not the children, then think of the police taking away your OMMA card! Truly horrifying.

Be an Ambitious Decorator

This is neither the time nor place to fulfill stoner stereotypes of laziness. Get creative with your decorations! Don’t just do a smoke machine; make a bong-shaped smoke machine! Swap those lazy lasers for the glowing cherry of a joint. Make gravestones that read “M.F. Token,” “Scary Fallin” or “If I’m here / not to be woken / unless there is / someone tokin.” Really step up your decoration game; don’t wuss out and just throw a pumpkin outside. Unless that pumpkin can double as a bong.

Scare the Shit out of People

For this, you’ll need to dress up as something that doesn’t move — scarecrow, Oklahoma lawmaker, etc. Then smoke a super strong indica, to really diminish the urge to move or wiggle. Finally, wait for those precious, unsuspecting kids to come along and…JUMPUPANDFUCKINGSCREAM!!! If you don’t fall over from a laughing fit as they run away shitting their pants, sit back down, take a puff and wait for the next bunch.

Take Revenge on Mischievous Pranksters

While you’re at it, maybe you can catch those merry pranksters who celebrate Mischief Night! We hear it’s especially bad in Edmond. These hooligans have been terrorizing your neighborhood for far too long. Find a super soaker and fill it with your disgusting, unchanged bong water. If you can get your friends to contribute, the more the merrier! You’ll probably want a clear-headed sativa to keep you on your toes (and from accidentally drenching your neighbor).

Eat All the Candy

After it becomes all too apparent that no one is coming to your house — because it MUST be wet and near freezing for it to be Halloween in Oklahoma — go inside and warm up with a hot cannacocoa. Then put on a cheesy horror flick like “Evil Bong” and eat all of the fucking candy. You’ve earned it.

—Uncle Skunk is already writing up his Christmas list.

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