The 8 Different Types of Cannabis Patients You’ll Meet in Oklahoma

When more than 5% of our state’s population holds Oklahoma Medical Marijuana Cards, you are sure to meet all types of cannabis patients — some more interesting and endearing than others. Here are the eight different types of OMMA cardholders you will meet along the way!

1. The Cannabis Snob

When these folks find out you are a fellow cardholder, they are likely to give you what amounts to a 27-question BuzzFeed survey in an attempt to identify the precise reasons their cannabis is superior to yours. Warning: Do not offer any of your meds to this type — it can only result in an exhausting conversation about your bullshit weed.

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2. The Mooch

After 788 passed, this type of person developed a superpower for detecting cannabis more accurately than the goodest drug sniffing pup pup. Sure, they have their own card. Sure, they could go buy their own marijuana. But, unfortunately they’ve decided the best cannabis to cure their ailments is your cannabis, and they’ve gotten shockingly good at finding it. This type never puts five on it.

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3. The Perpetual Stoner

Some people took the message of medical marijuana as a divine calling to never interact with base reality again. The only oxygen these people seem to breathe is used to transport cannabis smoke into their lungs. No T-breaks for this type. The Perpetual Stoner is the regrettable stereotype perpetuated by the prohibition pricks. They aren’t always wrong.

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4. The Closet Smoker

This is the type you never suspected to partake. In fact, you feel sheepish and silently judged in their presence. Yet, as you walk around the party wiggling your eyebrows and whispering conspiratorially to the others, “Wanna step outside…” this person perks up and joins in. Suddenly, you like this person even more!

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5. The Dispensary Employee

With Oklahoma now home to too goddamn many dispensaries, it’s statistically improbable that you do not know someone who works at one. While some of them are normal, a few of them now base their entire identity off the anthropomorphic pot leaf that brands their place of employment. In the worst cases, this type will adopt the annoying qualities of The Cannabis Snob.

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6. The Proselytizer

This type can not shut the fuck up about cannabis and carries on like a healer. Every conversation is a wide-eyed, fifth-hand testimonial of every ailment known to man being cured — without fail — by cannabis. They confidently diagnose your every ache, pain or sneeze with one pot protocol or another. The Proselytizer is the cannabis version of the world’s worst multilevel marketer. It is their religion, but are preaching to the converted. And it’s annoying.

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7. The Curious Kingpin

This type is by far the most mysterious — possibly criminal — character on this list. The Curious Kingpin is always around with enough dispensary-branded THC to supply a small Rastafarian Army with generous rations, yet no one has a clue how they pay for it all. I’m not complaining, but I am curious.

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8. The Chronically Sick

Cannabis is an incredible plant, whose benefits are so varied and unique it’s impossible to truly classify exactly what kind of medicine it is. From anxiety to general aches and pains and abundant Happyness, if cannabis improves your life in any way, without causing harm, I’d say that’s a valid use.

Most of us are lucky enough to have avoided the truly unfortunate ailments cannabis has become so famous for treating. But for people suffering from Cancer, PTSD, Multiple Sclerosis, spinal cord injuries, and too many more to list — cannabis helps them to stay alive and maybe even thrive. It is The Chronically Sick that paved the way for all of us to enjoy the freedom to benefit from this wonderful plant. We owe them an impossibly large debt of gratitude.