If you’ve ever been to Friendsgiving, you might be acutely aware of which friends cook like the Thunder in 2013 and who cooks like they played this season. Sadly, I’m no Pioneer Woman, so I’ve been guilty of bringing a few questionable dishes. Thankfully, getting super high has helped me and my friends get over the weirdness and get to the meat of the matter — togetherness.
Let’s count down the 7 godawful dishes you must be stoned to survive this Friendsgiving! Who knows, if you have some super dank bud, you might even enjoy them…
#7. Inaccurately Made THC Desserts
People just moving up from the kids table to the parenTHCes table have fallen prey to this disgusting dessert made by just dumping the flower into some batter. Seriously, if you haven’t been following the Croctopus’ easy-to-follow and sure-fire way to get your pot brownies banging, you’re a fool. If you’re high enough to eat them, you shouldn’t be eating them.
#6. Lumpy Potatoes
Let’s get real here. Mashed potatoes and gravy are some of the best things on the table. The only thing that can ruin such a simple and perfect dish are lumps floating around in your oasis of gravy. Especially if you don’t have legendary mashed potato skills, stick with the flakes outta the box — it’s smooth sailing and none of the hassle of peeling the real deal.
#5. Canned Cranberry Sauce
Love it or hate it, there is nothing like watching a slowly escaping beet-red, can-shaped turd plop out onto a serving plate. Especially when you’re high. Should the sound of the plop be so deafening? Should you slice it up? Mash it all into a paste to eat with something else? I’m not sure; I just know it’s going to be there. And that I will be high enough to eat it.
#4. Ambrosia Salad
Never heard of this stuff? Lucky you. It usually goes on the table by that weird jello mold thing with fruit and vegetables in it. Accompanied with a cream top, it’s something my grandma who grew up in the 50s — when they ate weird shit like frosted ribbon loaf and jellied tomato refresher — always had to have at the table. Does anyone know why it is it still showing up?
#3. Creamed Anything
Whether it’s onions, corn, sprouts…whatever, you know you’re going to be looking at a spoonful of very thick and slimy sludge. I’m not sure if it was a depression era tactic to save money and have something to eat or if some people actually like it, but you can bet I’m gonna puff puff pass on that. There isn’t enough THC to get me into the creamed shit.
#2. Weird, Bad Stuffing
‘Breading,’ ‘turkey replacement guts’ — whatever you call it. I’ve been a stoner long enough to have encountered (and in some cases ingested) a variety of different, mostly-unfortunate takes on stuffing. What’s in it? Where did they stuff it? Most are a dry, bland mess, while some go for an exotic take, like oysters. Others do a vegetarian version, avoiding the animal’s cavity altogether. Also, if it doesn’t include some Craisins, is it really even stuffing? Is it even Friendsgiving?
#1. Random Turkey Bits
The most disgusting one of all. Seriously, there are many more parts of the bird considered edible by the hard core carnivores among us. We’re all familiar with the breast, thighs, wings and drumsticks, but have you tasted turkey liver, gizzard, kidney and neck? My dad loves fishing around inside the cavity of this fowl just to pull out a gnarled piece of flesh — like some golden nugget — and loudly pronounce “oh yeah, the good shit!”
—Uncle Skunk is lucky to have Auntie Skunk hide his shame with her fantastic cooking.