Just the other day, I came across a Help Wanted ad in a Sulphur newspaper (I was using it as a blanket, same as any affluent hobo). The humble, pay-by-the-line size ad was placed by a “handicap person” seeking “someone to roll blunts.” It got me to thinking, There must be more ways for a cannisseur to make a little cash on the side! All you need is hustle, creative thinking, an OMMA card…and someone to pay you for doing any or all of these perfect side gigs for stoners.
Blunt-Roller
It doesn’t say so in the ad, but to do this job, you really must be a master roller and get personal to find out some things…like the shape and size of joint they prefer. Some people like cones, while others prefer them straight. Heck, they may even enjoy a cross joint (there will definitely be an up-charge for that one). Do they prefer a specific brand of paper or flavor…filter or no filter? It’s your job to know. Roll that shit up right and tight, and get paid in cash moneyyyyy.
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Mobile Pipe/Bong Cleaner
Everyone has a favorite smoking contraption (pro tip: don’t let stupid frat bro get a hold of yours), but most of us are too lazy or otherwise not up to the task of cleaning it properly. This is where you come in with a mobile quick-clean business! You service their device(s) and sell some cleaner and other accessories on the side — you’ll have pocketfuls of $1s and $5s before you know it. Better hop on it, before dispensaries get wind of this potential cash cow and get all the money that should be yours.
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Weed Coach
This is a life coach type of job, but the primary emphasis is on weed. Noobs and rich folk, especially, are in need of this service, which includes giving expert advice on strains and dosage — individualized to therapeutic goals, lifestyle and budget. Coach them through wake-and-bake to nightly, sleepy-time smoke out. Advise your client on the perfect wedding weed or bar mitzvah bud. From a life-changing strain recommendation and a timely spritz of Fabreeze to mints and eye drops that keep your employer smelling and looking good, this is the domain of the Weed Coach. Previous experience as a small-time pot dealer and ability to manage high-maintenance friends is preferred, because this job is equal parts endo expertise and encouragement.
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Budtender
It really seems like I shouldn’t have to paint this picture for you. Let’s just say, all your “training” over the years has uniquely qualified you to sell the shit out of some cannabis products and paraphernalia. Given the ratio of medical marijuana patients to dispensaries, you’re a complete loser if you can’t just stumble into one and get hired on the spot. You’re an even bigger loser if you get fired.
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Hotbox Driver
This would be a cool job if you treated it like a limousine or party bus business. Only using your own crappy car. Keep all of your tokers in a super comfortable and trippy backseat, stocked with an ample supply of smoke, munchies, beverages and some slow and safe driving. Build your clientele by prowling the streets of Bricktown after dark. Or the downtown business district at lunchtime. The flashing neon marijuana leaf on your dash will tell those college kids and sneaky stoners in suits that your mobile pot party is a comfortable place to pop in for a quick hotbox sesh.
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Happy Ogle Writer
You. Don’t. Want. This. Job. It’s really horrible. You get hounded by Patrick and your editor daily, looking for some more meat off your bones and words out of your skull. Trying to live up to Louis Fowler’s legacy of awesome writing is enough to make you want to cry over your keyboard as you peck away in vain. But hey, it beats writing for The Lost Ogle. They have Cardboard Jim Traber and get salacious tip-offs from Ogle Moles, but I get free weed to smoke — and I get paid to write about it! Come to think of it, this is a pretty great gig for a stoner.
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—Uncle Skunk will always be the idea guy; who wants to fund him?
