Yippee…Christmas is upon us. Being a kid during the holidays was fantastic, because you could write all the dreamy things on a list and they magically appeared. But why should should kids have all the fun? They shouldn’t. And they won’t, if you read and heed these 8 perfect Okie Christmas gifts for the stoner in your life — even (or especially!) if that stoner is you.
1. No Man’s Land Beef Jerky
Okie’s love us some dried meats, do we not? And it doesn’t get any more delicious than Oklahoma’s own No Man’s Land Beef Jerky. It hits the spot when the munchies hit. And it’s low in carbs and sugar, with zero chemically-enhanced bullshit fillers. Bonus: Those chewy strips of dried meat take a while to chew, so it could potentially burn as many calories as it contains. You know, like celery.
2. The Flaming Lips The Soft Bulletin: Live at Red Rocks Vinyl LP
Smoking pot and listening to music go hand-in-hand. If you’re not listening to vinyl while high, you’re doing it wrong. The Flaming Lips are Oklahoma’s real rock royalty (sorry, Kings of Leon), and they are the perfect band to enjoy high. Maybe the stoner in your life missed her chance to hear the Lips rock Red Rocks, live. I was high at Red Rocks. As will be the lucky stoner who gets this record for Christmas and is swept away by the transcendental grooves.
3. Wristbands to Opening Night
Grown up stoners (especially parents) need to get out and have some fun in the world! So give the gift that gently nudges the reefer-loving recipient to peel himself off the couch and get out of the damn house on New Year’s Eve! Between the medical marijuana, the mic-dropping Mayor and the great chairs, it’s gonna be awesome! Make this gift extra memorable, with a pair of Opening Night wristbands (don’t be a cheap-ass) and a fanny pack filled with edibles, pre-rolls, and a bag of No Man’s Land beef jerky.
4. Pioneer Woman Ceramic Bakeware Set
These southern white women always find a way to get themselves in trouble, but their bakeware is great for whipping up some pot brownies. Guess what I’m bringing to the next family gathering? Also, don’t be sexist; this bakeware set turns out amazing edibles, and as The Happy Ogle’s resident recipe guru has taught us: It doesn’t take a pair of X-chromosomes to be a bad bitch in the kitch.
5. Medical Marijuana
You could channel your inner Pioneer Woman to make marijuana mistletoe. Or you could be equal parts lazy and awesome and gift your sweet stoner with a Hobby Lobby Stocking full of pre-rolls. They make such a great gift, because wow, can it be a pain in the ass to grind up the weed and roll the joints! I know this stoner would be so happy if Santa filled her stocking (which is not a stolen artifact) with pre-rolls this Christmas.
6. Energy FC Tickets
Soccer, rowdiness and public indecency are kind of a package deal. Going to an Energy game after toking seems like a fantastic idea and the perfect present. Thanks to 5% of OKC voters, the Energy will have a new place to play when the new multi-purpose stadium is built. I might actually have just convinced myself to buy tickets for myself, so I can say goodbye to Taft Stadium in person — after I hotbox my car. Treat yoself.
7. Hipster Boo Boo’s Trailer
Imagine the envy-inspiring
home trailer grow the stoner in your life could cultivate within this luxurious environment. Even when not parked in front of a Governor’s Mansion, it’s a pretty posh place to grow some pot. Christina Fallin has a child, now, so we presume she is not currently living in the trailer and that — for the right price — this bad boy could be yours to gift.
Since 788 passed, Oklahoma stoners have been forced to learn dispensary math and keep plenty of cash on hand. So fucked. Congresswoman Kendra Horn is supporting the Safe Banking Act, which would pave the way for Tokelahomans to swipe their cards at any dispensary. But until we move on from the cash-only craziness, that dirty green paper is king, and the stoner in your life needs some for Christmas.
P.S. If you’re reading this, Cannabis Claus, we hope you enjoy all the cosmic brownies and vape stem milk we will leave for you but probably devour before your boots hit the chimney.