As the second most high and holy season descends upon Oklahoma, many of us will be making that time-honored tradition of traveling to visit parents, grandparents, cousins, aunties and Skunkles for a little holiday cheer. This may be the first time you’ve had to spend more than a few days out of your cannablessed kingdom and retreat to the shadows of a secret stoner. Luckily I’m here to help, with some tasks, errands and outright lies to get out of the house and get that jolly feeling in your spirit.
Make a Braum’s egg nog run.
The holidays in Oklahoma are just not complete without this sweet and saliva-thickening concoction. Either straight up or with a bit of bourbon, a house is not a home during Christmas without a carton of this in the fridge. God forbid you have to make your own weed-infused eggnog! Keep that Braum’s egg nog flowing, and in no time you’ll be able to pop out for a new carton and blaze up with a roll and toke. Pro tip: Drink a goddamn glass of water before you leave. There’s nothing worse than egg nog resin on your joint when you pass it to Cousin Eddie.
Get decorations out of the attic.
Being helpful is the Oklahoma Standard and also one of the best ways to avoid detection — that and a vape. Mention not seeing a specific decoration and offer to look for it up in the chilly solitude of the attic you’re mostly sure isn’t haunted. Take a jacket and re-live the most endearing scene from Christmas Vacation, while you dig through old shit you’d forgotten about…all while high as hell. If anyone asks about the coughing, tell them you accidentally ran into some asbestos-ridden insulation.
Borrow a Sugar Bowl cup of sugar.
I remember when the Sooners went to the Orange Bowl and I couldn’t find an orange or any other kind of citrus fruit in town. With hopes high, I’m anticipating a run on both white and brown sugar and sweetener-related products this year as well. With the sweets scarcity threatening Santa’s cookie count, a quick jog to the neighbor’s house for a cup of sugar will make you the holiday hero. Throw it in the air! That’s what I saw other people doing with their oranges, and it will give you a sugary smoke on the way back.
Take the OK Gazettes to the recycling center.
I swear to you, my parents make up a sizable percentage of the total number of Gazettes removed from wire stands throughout the city. They pick up an issue anytime they see one, regardless of whether they already have two of the exact same one in their car and at home. It’s time to end the hoarding and switch to a fully online experience, like us Ogles. That’s right folks, it’s not just a budget thing; it’s for the environment!
Cast a post-vote YES for MAPS 4EVER.
Practicing absurdism is an activity I engage in on a daily basis and hope you do too. If all else fails and you need an emergency smoke break, deploy a Civic Duty Ruse (CDR). Make some shit up about how you just saw a picture of your mate Shotgun Ronnie (and the cop that later arrested him) standing next to Mayor McSelfie, who is doing photo ops with citizens exiting the polls. You had completely forgotten the election was moved to Dec. 25! Given only four or five people cared enough to come out to vote on the actual day, your family will be none the wiser to your ruse. And they won’t volunteer to join you.
—Uncle Skunk had a wonderful time at The Happy Ogle holiday party and bows to James’s dance moves.