Folks it’s that time of year — the holidays — where two months of forced-socialization are condensed into three days, all your family expects to see you, and that one aunt with a martini glass permanently affixed to her hand highly disapproves of cannabis.
And you’re supposed to pretend you don’t need to be strongly medicated to deal with it. But have no fear! Here are six pro tips to stay high and survive:
1. “High”light the family screw up.
So they caught you smelling like weed and giggling during the prayer before dinner…and they called you out. While it won’t relieve you of judgment entirely, recounting the transgressions of the real family screw up can make your unfortunate burst of happiness seem like nothing. And I like to think I don’t smell quite so much like weed after casually pointing out how my crazed OSU fan of an uncle can’t spell even spell “O-S-U,” because he was too busy selling coke in high school.
2. Take lots of “walks.”
This has been the tried and true method of incognito holiday cannabis consumption from time immemorial! Remember being a kid at family gatherings and begging your uncle and older cousin to go on one of their spontaneous excursions, only to be walk-blocked for what seemed like no good reason? Now you know: It wasn’t personal; they were getting high. Maybe all the extra exercise stoners are getting on their weed walks and joint jogs could help Oklahoma drop right out of the top ten most obese states in the nation!
3. Switch to edibles.
If you’re not worried about obesity but are worried about the obvious signs of taking 17 spontaneous walks and jogs every day of the holiday gathering, then maybe switching to edibles for the duration of the encampment is the solution for you! At this point, the Oklahoma cannabis market has a plethora of edibles to choose from — The Happy Ogle has even provided you with edible and infusion recipes galore from our very own Croctopus. Or you could rub raw distillate on gummy bear like a savage.
4. Tell ’em to shove it, and do what you want.
This is one of my favorites methods of dealing with judgmental relatives during the holidays: Tell them to shove their sanctimonious opinions somewhere the sun don’t shine. Oklahoma is notorious for having endless skies, so the sun gets a ton of room to do its thing.
5. Don’t invite the assholes.
If the gathering is on your turf, this tried-and true-method of avoiding judgment altogether is at your disposal. These holier-than-thou types will absolutely resent you for not inviting them, but they already resent you for basically everything you are and do, so who cares! It leaves you free to be comfortably stoned — away from the judgmental leers. The choice would seem obvious.
6. Claim to be a member of a religion that does not celebrate holidays…and just skip the damn thing.
If all else fails, this tip will definitely do the trick. Our great state is home to a staggering 4,437 churches, and some of them don’t celebrate Christmas (or anything at all, for that matter). Feel free to fake being a Muslim, Jew, Atheist or someone who thinks it’s ridiculous to go broke and get stressed just because everyone else does. Pro tip: Not even all Christians celebrate Christmas — my Jehovah Witness friends definitely don’t — so that’s an option as well! There really isn’t a better excuse to get out of a bad Christmas gathering altogether than claiming your god said it’s blasphemous. Now you are the righteous, principled one. See how that works?
— Happy and High Holidaze, everyone!