Happy Festivus! Celebrating this most unholy of days has become its own tradition in my family, and, wow, have we aired some famously raunchy grievances! But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Any respectable Festivus celebration in Oklahoma eschews commercialism in favor of five secular components, observed in a certain order and — I would argue — paired perfectly with strains of homegrown cannabis for each. Here is your curated list:
The Festivus Pole: Durban Poison
The aluminum Festivus Pole has a very high strength-to-weight ratio when assembled correctly. Focus! You do not want to fuck this up. So before you assemble the pole, smoke a bowl…of Durban Poison. It’s a marijuana version of the ADHD meds your parents put you on as a child and you abused in college. Durbin Poison’s clear-headed cerebral high is so legit you could correctly assemble Ikea furniture. The Festivus Pole is safe in your capable hands. P.S. – No tinsel. It’s distracting.
Festivus Dinner: GSC (f/k/a Girl Scout Cookies)
Despite being the subject of some disagreement, it seems obvious to me that meatloaf — served on a bed of lettuce — is the traditional main dish of Festivus Dinner. To get through eating this disgusting gruel will require a superhero-strong appetite stimulant: GSC. Timing is critical on this; you must smoke the GSC immediately following pole assembly, so you’ll be ready to make sweet love to that loaf of meat when the time comes.
Airing of Grievances: Blue Dream
The truth serum effect of Blue Dream is quite legendary in my circles. One of the most proper people I know once casually copped to being a ‘boob-looker,’ volunteering, “It’s easy to do…” while under the influence of Blue Dream. And it is that level of honesty you want — at least during the Airing of Grievances. For maximum effect, pass pass puff the Blue Dream pre-rolls around the table before the first grievance is aired. Skip this pairing if you’re prone to anxiety and paranoia, because everyone is actually judging you right now.
Feats of Strength: Jack Herer
Especially if the Airing of Grievances was brutal and people are pissed, you’ll want to hit your Jack Herer vape before Feats of Strength begins. It’s your only hope. Energy, focus, stamina and creativity are magnified with this strain, which you will need to keep Cousin Kyle from killing you right there in the dining room, after the boob-looking admission. Jack Herer will keep you going and going, which works out well, since Festivus isn’t over until the head of the household is wrestled to the floor and pinned.
Festivus Miracle: Kolasaurus
Finding this proprietary strain by Oklahoma grower Kola Organics may be a Festivus Miracle unto itself (we got ours at Fire Leaf the moment it dropped). But the transcendent Kolasaurus has been known to warp time — one of its many ‘miracle’ traits. Your wife thinks it would be a miracle for you to demonstrate a scintilla of self awareness, so bring it. After a bong sesh with Kolasaurus you will be a skinsuit of stars, contemplation and self reflection. One of our writers once said the high from this strain filled life his with meaning and truth…”or something more profound that I can’t quite convey with the limitation of words.” A Festivus Miracle indeed.