The future is now, old man! Kids are getting smarter and craftier every single day, and if even half of the stories my friend who works in education has told me are true, we’re screwed. If you have some youngsters of driving age — heck some of us have “grown” card carrying kids — you can be sure they’ve at least thought about how they could get away with nicking just a little off the top.
Here are some of the crazy ways your cunning offspring will try to get some of your wacky tobaccy and tips to keep that shit from happening.
1. Putting fake nugs in your stash jar.
It used to be as simple as adding some oregano or other dried herb from your mom’s spice rack to that bag of shake you found in the freezer, but with modern advances in cultivation you’d be hard pressed to fool anyone that way, now. The internet is a seedy underworld of herbal blends and CBD nugs that look like the real deal, for offspring to put in your stash jar. Keep your nostrils open, guys.
2. Refilling the vape pen.
It’d be easy enough to talk about the usual nicotine vape juice swaps, but these next two stories are too ridiculous to believe, if they didn’t actually come out of a middle school in town. True story #1: Imagine your least average student getting a hold of his mommauntiesisterfriend’s pen — left carelessly out in the open — and having a great time with it behind the newly owned 7-11, only to realize the liquid has gone down! Popping in, he looks around to see one of those honey sticks, which he promptly steals and uses to refill the cart. I’m sure it was a sticky surprise for whoever took the next hit, but it gets sweeter…
3. Honey in place of wax/shatter/etc.
Honey seems to be a tantalizing substitute for teens trying to get that THC, as the look and availability are par none. Maybe be on the lookout for honey in Jr.’s room? True story #2: An above-average teen this time…he was so into concentrates he would get different types of honey to imitate them and even press them onto little sheets of paper. The dedication to deception was impressive, but the maturity to foresee his dad might try to smoke it — and then whoop his ass as punishment — evaded him. Said dad learned his lesson and now keeps his medicine under lock and key (as should we all).
4. Subbing regular brownies for your special ones.
Resealable bags are great if you don’t want to eat the whole edible…and they’re also perfect for taking a nibble without mom even noticing. These treacherous young folks have even gone as far as opening a sealed bag, replacing the medi-brownie with a basic one and RESEALING the bag. Dastardly bastards! So now you can look forward to the experience of sitting there waiting for your edible to kick in, too cautious to eat the rest, and nothing happening. God help us all.
5. Blaming the dog.
Poor Fido, always getting the blame. Some of your wild pooches out there may have a tendency to get into things or tear furniture apart, so they’re the perfect scapedogs. But for your own kid to set you into such a panic about your not-actually-dying dog that you take him to the 24/7 animal hospital — just to smoke some Labrador — it crosses a line.
—Uncle Skunk reminds you not to be a dumbass; ensure all your medicines are in safe-keeping.