Sometimes I find myself in need of a major mood adjuster. Since I’ve traversed the wild green yonder of Oklahoma dispensaries, I now know the answer is edibles — or, as I call them, Adult Scooby Snacks. Unfortunately, those in our great state who most desperately need a head-change typically don’t touch the funny gummies or special brownies. I have sativa daydreams about rectifying that, and here are the famous Oklahomans who star in my fantasy…
Governor Kevin Stitt
Our governor has made quite a name for himself over the past year or so. Sometime when he’s not super busy waging a losing battle against the Tribes, or trimming state regulations by 25% — or not trimming his glorious eyebrows, we’d like to slip our gung-ho governor a Stitt Skunk brownie. Imagine how much more fun it would make renovating and redecorating the Governor’s Mansion! Also, a cannabis-induced period of introspection might reveal to him that Bible College for inmates may actually not be an effective criminal justice reform tool. Surely he is aware of the atrocious crimes celebrated in that book?
The Pioneer Woman
If you’ve been too lazy to make cannabis-infused versions of this famous Oklahoman’s recipes, you’re missing out bigtime. While Ree Drummond’s claim to fame is kicking Bobby Flay’s entitled ass, I say she could use a bit of a rebranding. Sure, her cooking is incredible; however, nothing would make me happier than to serve The Pioneer Woman some THC Taters & Gravy…then watch her rip all the junk from her pantry shelves and make a cornucopia of delicious-tasting nonsense. Live-streamed. I can think of 5% of the Oklahoma population who would be here for it.
We aren’t clear on whether or not Steve Lackmeyer is the only reporter still on staff at The Oklahoman, but he is definitely and famously our favorite. This may come as a shock to some in the cannabis community — since it was Steve’s own investigative sleuthing that exposed the shocking truth we all tried so hard to hide: Some Oklahomans use marijuana just to get high. Call us crazy, but we think if someone slipped Steve a Hobby’s Hoagies sub with marijuana mayo, he might come around to seeing that being high is not such a bad thing. And maybe he’d decide the time is right to finally meet Patrick and Mike & Marla Morgan at Junior’s for those long-overdue mocktails.
OKC Mayor David Holt
Oklahoma City’s mayor and walking-talking dad joke, Mr. Holt, is in desperate need of a tasty treat. Dropping microphones at concerts and sampling all the local brews is tiring work…that guy’s gotta unwind some time. I can only imagine what Bricktown streets he’d name next, if he just had the right nudge from Oklahoma’s finest green! Tell him the cannabis treats are made by a locally-sourced marijuana dispensary named in his honor and he might snarf them down with no coercion at all! Oklahoma City would be one dank danish away from the brink of a Midwestern Woodstock, thanks to Mayor “High as Balls” Holt.
Sen. James Lankford
This Oklahoma Senator and Lloyd Christmas-wannabe is the picture-perfect, dictionary definition of stick-in-the-mud. While he’s up on Capitol Hill today assuredly not being an impartial juror in the impeachment trial of President Donald Trump, maybe we could assist him in his public duties. Slip Lankford a warm, gooey, “good job, Republican choir boy” brownie and watch the calming magic of the edible settle over his entire body. Suddenly, the whole Ukraine thing reeks of high crimes and misdemeanors. Who knew! It’s not quite as naughty as missionary sex between two middle aged married folks, but it’s definitely grounds for impeachment.
— Editor’s Note: This article is satire. For those who like to pick up ‘dates’ at Kong’s, we feel compelled to clarify that it is neither cool nor legal to drug someone.