OKLAHOMA CITY (The Happy Ogle Satire) — Late yesterday Oklahoma Gov. Kevin Stitt made a shock announcement: Cannabis is the new state flower of Oklahoma.
Cannabis is a genus of flowering plants in the family Cannabaceae, a plant that has undoubtedly spread across the state of Oklahoma like the weed it is.
Speaking to reporters at the Governor’s Mansion, Stitt said it made sense to include the state flower in Lt. Gov. Matt Pinnell’s comprehensive campaign to rebrand Oklahoma, which was leaked weeks ago by an obscure local social blog to be built around the slogan, Imagine That.
Stitt, a successful capitalist whose mortgage company was named ‘one of the top 10 shadiest companies in America’ by Business Insider magazine, told reporters he was proud to be the “real brains” behind Oklahoma’s effort to rebrand itself and let the world know Oklahoma is, in fact, better than okay.
“Before I was banned for life from doing business in Georgia and reprimanded or fined in seven other states, I was a lean, mean marketing machine™,” Stitt said.
“And any lean, mean marketing machine™ knows you always roll out a new state flower when you roll out a new state license plate, slogan and logo.” Imagine not knowing that.
Gone is the Oklahoma Rose, in favor of the far less prickly and far more pungent, popular and prolific flower: Oklahoma Weed.
Stitt, red, tired eyes peeking out from beneath a glorious pair of brows, added, “Hey, mannnnn, the rose is like wayyyyyyyy too basic for a state on its way to the high road…and it’s high time for a change, yaaaa knowww?”
Some Oklahomans Are None Too Happy About It.
In a press conference called early this morning, Jan Barenstain, founding member of the Oklahoma Rose Society, made the shocking accusation that Stitt was a “fully owned subsidiary of Big Cannabis.”
She suggested that changing the Oklahoma state flower to cannabis was a potentially-criminal conflict of interest, stating, “Deep Stitt Operatives secretly funded the launch of Stitt Skunk™ marijuana brand in August of 2019, using taxpayer dollars.”
Barenstain declined to give evidence of her claim, saying, “That’s enough. I have said too much. These are some very powerful people we’re talking about.”
The Oklahoma Rose Society said in a press release distributed minutes ago that it “will fight this to the very last drop of blood from a thorn prick to keep the shameful stank of cannabis from ruining this part of the official state list of things we claim as belonging to Oklahoma in a special way.”
You can count on The Happy Ogle to keep you posted as the totally real saga continues to unfold.
This article is satire.
