Here you are, with less than two days until the day a thing you give a person will be dissected and ultimately judged for the rest of the year…possibly the rest of your life. Never fear! Your trusted Skuncle is here, with a list of Valentines Day gifts that will wow the ganja god or goddess in your life — gifts that say, “We both love each other as much as we love weed, and we were gonna spend the money on weed, anyway, so…” You know, something real nice.
1. Flowering Plant
Who doesn’t love flowers — especially the flower of the Cannabaceae plant! While the general smell may be off-putting for some, you know if it smells good in the bag, it must be even better on the stem! I can’t imagine how beautiful and pungent the plants must have been that yielded bud from some of the strains we’ve tried at The Happy Ogle! Plus, it’s something you have together…like a pet but no big deal if you kill it. Alternatively, if your sweetheart is as lazy as you and does not have a license, maybe keep it legal and try a hemp plant?
2. DIY Cannabis Bouquet
If the gift of a living, breathing plant is too much of a commitment, consider a DIY Cannabis Bouquet. Pro-tip for men: These are not the flowers you are still obligated to have delivered grandly to her office so no one whispers in the break-room about what a lameass you are. All you need to create these beauties is a vase of Homeland’s finest and a few fresh branches from your homegrow (or the dried ones hanging in your closet – who cares). Arrange that shit. If you play your cards right, you might get to hang around long enough to smoke it together.
3. Starbuds Gift Cards
While it is without a doubt the gift that admits, “I don’t know you very well or care very much,” it is a valid strategy to open new doors…and maybe even set up a little downtown shopping date at Starbuds Bricktown after dinner. Just imagine how boss you will feel when your Valentine slaps down one or two of those $25 gift cards in front of a bud tender and buys something totally awesome that you (with any luck) get to enjoy, too.
4. Romantic Bathroom Date
Hotbox always beats chocolate box, unless that box has cannabis chocolates inside and you’re eating them in the tub. Buy them or make them yourself. Same for the THC bath bombs you will require. On the special night, roll some joints, draw that seductive bath, pop those tasty treats, light some candles, pour some bubbly, put on some music and (finally!) plop a bigass, fizzy THC bath bomb right between you in the warm, stagnant bathwater you will be soaking in. The canna-chocolates and the stoner-y suds rising up between you will melt away the stress of the day and get you ready for what comes next.
5. Edibles Underwear
These curious creations are Weedy Fruit Rollups for your privates. I’ve been seeing ads (obviously not on classy digital media outlets like we Ogles) that tout matching sets of “cute” looking, cannabis-infused, edible underwear. When it comes to Valentines Day, I like my underwear either off or edible — how lucky we live in a state that can deliver on sexy and stoned.
6. Weed Lube
End of the road, man. This is it. And if it’s come to the gift of weed lubricant, you are about to either be dumped on Valentines Day or have the night of your life. I can only hope you don’t use too much or too little of this stuff; either way, it could be disappointing. Happy high humping, everyone!
—Uncle Skunk ♥ Auntie Skunk