Local dispensaries are just cooler, more fun versions of retail stores selling people Oklahoma’s dankest dope. Unfortunately, the term “retail” comes with a high price — the customers. Retail and customers typically go together like blood in shark-infested waters. But not you, of course. Still, whisper conspiratorially with any budtender, and you’re bound to hear stories about any one of these troublesome types.
1. The New Patient
As a recently reformed weed noob, I am keenly aware of the challenges of dispensing to these naive little creatures. They are prone to panic attacks and confused euphoria at seeing all this weed out in the open. Hell, some of them might be concerned the fuzz could break down their door like The Raid. Answer all one million questions they have, and maybe they will buy that loss-leading gram of shake “to try.” The budtender knows he will not see this face again until it has pillaged every new-patient deal in town.
2. The Inquisitive Sweet Tooth
Their insatiable lust for edibles and weed-infused treats is downright frightful. And, wow, do they have questions! If you’re behind The Inquisitive Sweet Tooth in line, god help you (and the budtender). Watch as they bolt to the edible shelf with the wild delirium of an oil and gas lobbyist to the Capitol. Ten minutes of ingredient and strain questions later, she has finally found the organic, full-spectrum, gluten-free, soy-free, dairy-free, egg-free, gelatin-free, sugar-free, vegan keto treat of her dreams! Praise be! Then she changes her mind and says, “You know what…I think I’ll just try a Cheeba Chew this time.”
3. The Throwback
Brace yourself: The Judge has arrived, and the court finds this weed, “Not like it used to be in my day.” This former heavy hash-hitter can be found inspecting jars of flowers with the same disapproving look that James Lankford’s wife wears every night. But give The Throwback some of that Kola Organics kush we can’t shut up about, and that will shut him right up! We now have better weed and a dispensary on every corner. That is progress! If Oklahoma’s weed culture could find Mayor Holt’s mic and drop it, this would be that moment.
4. Local Lab Rats
Got any new local product? Find these doe-eyed customers looking for any sign that has the name “Oklahoma” on it. And they want to try all the new shit, so they can brag to their friends. Like all the new breweries, these state-proud test subjects are willing to try anything and everything made in the “Imagine That” state. Who knows, they may smoke their way through enough weed to eventually land on some that was actually grown in Oklahoma. Wink, wink.
5. The “Cool” Adult
This type has been around the block. Unlike The Throwback, this medical marijuana patient wants to be down with the culture. Wants to run with the cool kids. Think of them as “reformed” from the 80s when they plastered Nancy Reagan’s bullshit “Just Say No” stickers on their Trapper Keepers. That was all before medical kush was legal. These older but relatively cool humans will be sure to tell the budtender a thing or two, as if being older meant wiser. Here is a detailed list of famous Oklahoma adults we nominate to become The “Cool” Adult A.S.A.F.P.
6. The Math Idiot
Math is hard. Doing it in a dispensary under the pressure of making a decision — and how much can you afford?! — is enough to give anxiety to even the most mathematically inclined mind. However, The Math Idiot is an entirely different breed, who can’t get his shit straight, even when prices are “tax included” and he is stone cold sober. It becomes problematic at the point the budtender assumes the burden of being The Math Idiot’s personal shopper, just to get him the hell out of the store. In a cash game, there is no margin for error; ya can’t just slap down a credit card to avoid the shame of asking the budtender to put some things back. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
7. The Zombie
The red, lidded eyes and thousand-yard stare will have you thinking this man crawled from the depths of the Rose Hill Burial Crypt. The Zombie wouldn’t let a little thing like a 90% reduction in consciousness stop him stumbling into the dispensary snooping for some of Oklahoma’s finest green. The undead know no time, and The Zombie will drive his budtender crazy as he slowly points to and sniffs out every jar, on every shelf, in every case. Then he can’t find his cash. Then he can’t remember his ATM pin. He probably left his cash in his car! Unfortunately, he can’t find his car. No sale.
—Brandon would like to remind everyone to please tip your budtenders! They put up with a lot of shit.