The Polite Stoner’s Guide to Coronavirus Etiquette

As the old dude in one of my random circles told me, “This Chinese manufactured super virus shit is getting outta hand.” He’s not all there — that’s why I like smoking with him — but he’s not all wrong, either. When the NBA cancelled the season last night…and especially when OKC’s Patient Zero, Utah Jazz’s player Rudy “Rude” Gobert, was caught on camera mocking his COVID-19 sitch by literally spreading it all over the mics at a press conference, shit got real.

Let’s Talk Stoner Etiquette + Safety

Cover your weed cough.

We’ve all been guilty of not covering our cough after hitting a red-hot shitty one-hitter or taking too ambitious a bong inhale. Using the elbow-cough technique allows you to toke in public without scaring the shit out of everyone. You know it’s a classic stoner throat hit cough; everyone else thinks you are a merchant of death. If by some miracle we find ourselves in a parallel universe where Norman Music Fest does not suffer the fate of SXSW, the elbow-cough technique will demonstrate your civility in a savage world.

Buy a joint for the whole circle.

Have you ever been passed a blunt that has spit on it and not shuddered? Be a polite and generous ganjanaut: Pass a sealed joint or cavi cone to each member of the circle — the more the merrier! You will be legendary among all four of your friends for being the big baller who saved the entire friend group from the unimaginable fate of contracting something almost as mortiferous as the common flu.

Disinfect your pipes, bongs + vapes.

If you’re having people over to your place on a regular basis and don’t clean your paraphernalia at least once a month, you’re fucking gross. Especially during a pandemic panic, the polite stoner uses Lysol disinfecting wipes — if there are any to be found — to wipe the damn things down after each use. Better yet, insist that all who attend your smoke-sesh soirées bring their own paraphernalia. A BYOP policy is not considered gauche in times of great peril. I’m not freaking out; you’re freaking out!

Turn packaging waste into a DIY Bird Mask.

Kill two birds with one stone, by re-purposing environmentally evil dispensary packaging waste into an 17th Century plague mask. If it was good enough for physicians treating victims of the Bubonic Plague, it’s good enough for me. True, melting and molding plastic is not ideal — with the poisonous fumes and whatnot — but desperate times call for desperate measures. And with a run on everything that even hints it could kill a germ, your DIY Bird Mask may be all the hope you have to make it out alive.

Don’t smoke if you’re sick.

Smoking weed when you’re under weather is a bad idea. Sharing smoke when you may have a virus is a decidedly deplorable form of douchebaggery. Forget everything your moocher friends have ever said; in this case, caring is not sharing. We all know that one jerk who does this shit and gets you sick [I’m talking to you, Dustin]. Don’t hang around those losers anymore; I know I don’t. Pro tip: If sharing paraphernalia is somehow unavoidable, the polite stoner will break down and spend $4-$8 to buy a bong condom or silicone mouthpiece.

—Uncle Skunk will see you out at the Bugnog show. I’ll be the healthy dude wearing the Bird Mask — so say hi and stay high.

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