We Won’t Get No Education: 7 Better Ways to Re-Direct MMJ Taxes

Weed Mom is alive and well and isolated from society — just the way I like it! Has it ever not been March 2020? I’m starting to wonder if humanity is stuck in a COVID-19 time loop, like a scene from Groundhog Day. 

Something not so shocking? The Okie Senate recently gathered to pass ‘Rona ’round and get down to business as usual: Subverting the will of Oklahoma voters.

Via Norman Transcript:

“Oklahoma senators … decided to reallocate more than $750,000 in medical marijuana profits that voters ordered them to spend on public schools.”

State Sen. Gary Stanislawski, coauthor of Senate Bill 1758, isn’t worried about all that snowflake bullshit like pencils and books. He and his GOP cohorts voted to redirect money strictly ordered for “common education” to the state’s School Building Equalization Fund, which will only benefit a “few” rural schools, according to State Sen. J.J. Dossett, who opposed the measure.

(Sorry, educators; looks like you’ll still need to panhandle for basic school supplies.)

Every single school building in Oklahoma is COVID-closed through Fall 2020 (at least). Instead of defying voters to spend $750,000 on a handful of buildings that will remain empty for god knows how long, may I suggest these alternatives to GOP lawmakers…

1. Technology Fund

For the time being, every kid is a home-schooled kid. But not every kid has access to a computer or tablet at home. It would be awesome if every student who needed one had a school-issued device to facilitate the “distance learning” curriculum being developed by school districts across the state. Why are we trying to fund buildings during a global pandemic when school work is now done online anyway?

2. Superintendent Mental Health Fund

Speaking of distance learning, you know The Hofmeister needs some extra therapy sessions, after converting all public schools to the equivalent of EPIC (minus the scams and frauds).

3. Agricultural Fund

In times past, learning to grow life-sustaining fruits and veggies has been the purview of country bumpkins and hippies. But in a brave new world where fresh food is becoming scarce — and grocery stores are becoming scary — the Future Farmers of America are the new rockstars. Let’s fund the shit out of them. Maybe they can save us from scurvy.

4. Sanitation Fund

Rural towns need way more than fancier buildings. Fuck, my kid’s school doesn’t even have a janitor! The Sanitation Fund would create jobs cleaning the empty schools. Each janitor receives two bottles of Prairie Wolf vodka…one for cleaning; one for coping.

5. Common Sense Fund

Imagine a world in which high school seniors, as a requisite to graduation, must pass a state mandated exam on the building blocks of common sense. I mean, parenting can only go so far. Fund this underrated curriculum.

6. Hazmat Suit Fund

Schoolkids are goddamn Petri dishes. Who knows what danger they have brought into the sanctuary of your home! If/when school resumes as usual in the Fall, hazmat suits should be issued to everyone — from the kids and students to the janitors and lunch ladies. Safety first.

7. 420 Relax + Recover Fund

Parents across Oklahoma are about to learn pretty damn quick that keeping those wily kids in order — and on task — is a helluva lot more challenging that any of us imagined. This fund will provide a basic ration of Oklahoma’s finest green for parents to smoke at 4:20, once the home-school day has ended.

If our legislators fail us [and they will], you can always enroll your kids in EPIC’s online Charter School and take the $1,000 per-“student” bribe Learning Fund to bankroll the at-home education of your restless offspring.

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