Quarantine day 420. My kids are everywhere, at all times — like a screamin’ demon version of the holy spirit. I’ve worked entirely too hard to stay alive to die from the beer flu [please follow the ever-changing CDC guidelines] … or to be rendered insane by my lovely children. It is a scary, strange, stressful situation in which we find ourselves, but it need not be Fifth Circle of Hell bad.
Here are 7 ways to get away from those sneaky little bastards and find some peace and quiet in which to toke away your worries…
1. Weed the Flower Bed
Kids fucking hate to pull weeds and will avoid at all costs even being in the general vicinity, leaving you ample space and privacy to smoke. Not to mention your neighbors will envy your well-manicured beds and overlook the fact that you are constantly smiling and laughing out loud at the hilarious jokes you’ve begun writing in your head since this #stayhome situation got real.
2. Start a Garden
Kids don’t like vegetables or being helpful in general. Unless you have one of those FFA kids…in which case you are probably fucked. You can work on your growing skills, while clocking some time in the sunshine with a joint in your fingers. Stones work great as an ashtray. Bonus: You can grow some vegetables for the Fall apocalypse, instead of paying outrageous prices or living off canned tuna.
3. Clean out the Attic
This one will require some stealth maneuvering, because those little fuckers like getting into the attic. Either sneak up there or lie and say you have wasps in the attic and you must smoke them out. Get high, go through old pictures and maybe even mail some out to friends you don’t get to see IRL anymore. If you don’t have an attic, a garage or basement will do just fine.
4. Take a Solo Walk
Use it to catch up on the latest Lost Ogle Show podcast, The Joe Exotic Coronamania Cast (Part I). Being cooped up with kids is super hard, and I even really like my kids! Health officials are still encouraging us to breathe fresh air, so as long as you stay six feet away from other mouth-breathing Okies, you’ll be just fine. And also high, which is at least half the point.
5. Walk the Dog
If leaving the house for a solo walk would draw suspicion or, more likely, you need another “walk,” take the dog. Now that you know how it feels to be stuck at home, maybe you’ll understand why the mutt gets so excited to go somewhere in the car. Enjoying nature while smoking is one of my very favorite things. A little one-on-one bonding time with your fur baby is bonus.
6. Give the Petite Picassos Sidewalk Chalk
Encourage your kids to do sidewalk chalk art in the front yard, while you sneak a toke around the corner and watch them from between the slats. Sidewalk chalk murals are a thing people are doing to spread positivity. Kids of all ages can play with that chalk FOREVER. Adults love it too! After you get done tokin,’ hop in on the fun. Get creative! For some reason my kids just always draw the outlines of their bodies. Maybe we’ve been watching too much Forensic Files.
7. Take a Bath
Surely to god you have privacy in the bathroom! Smoking in the tub is so relaxing. No corona worries, no corona cares! Just pop open a window, turn on the vent…or if you feel like it, hot box that bitch. When tokin’ indoors, please certain to avoid sending smoke in your kids’ direction. No bueno. Also, don’t be an irresponsible dope and leave young kids unattended or, worse, alone with their father. Just kidding, Weed Dad is the best dad. ?
—Good luck channeling peace and quiet; it is out there for you to find.