Most Oklahomans are spending their days in isolation. Introverts may not even mind too much. But there is one distinctly dangerous group you cannot avoid: Your kids. They are indeed everywhere at all times (and always hungrrrryyy – WTF). Some of you have wonderfully sweet teens, while others deal with hell-raisers who seem destined to become criminals — or worse — Republicans.
This is not the time to stop taking your favorite skunky medicine, but it is high time you got your hidey holes in order. You never want to hear the words, “I learned it from watching you!” Uncle Skunk is here to help…
1. Your Vehicle
Well, it’s not like you’re going anywhere anytime soon! A to B will now become TH to C. Bonus: Your vehicle can become your hotbox/man cave/work office, until this whole thing gets back to…something? It comes with a stereo, cup holders, heat/AC, and if you can find an empty two-gallon jug of Braum’s milk for a makeshift bathroom, you may never need to leave! Sorry, ladies, you’ll likely need to step out of the vehicle and pop a squat, but that’s probably just fine by you. You’re not filthy animals.
2. Can of Disgusting Soda
I think everyone has an unopened can of super strange soda in the back of their fridge. Either brought over by an aunt who’s on a diet or a chaser left over from a very weird party, it’s been sitting there for the better part of a year just waiting for someone to get desperate enough to try it. Never gonna happen. It’s the perfect spot to hide your stash. Hollow it out from the bottom, or buy an official ‘diversion’ version on the interwebs. Your kids probably don’t drink anything but name brand shit, anyway (spoiled bastards!), so go for something diet, off-brand and unappealing. For me, it’s a Diet Cherry Dr. Dew Code Bluerita Frost Jolt.
This one takes a little ingenuity, so roll up your sleeves, seal that baggie tight and buy the coolest looking underwater castle, ship or pineapple for your aquarium. Just make sure you don’t feed the fish every time you smoke. They will totally die and everyone will hate you. Now you can blame the green stuff in there on how loud your dank is.
4. Inside a Funco Pop Figure
You know, those funny bobbled-headed looking things often in the shapes of popular characters from fiction and real life? You’ve got to have at least one of those things hanging around on a shelf! I have a Doom Guy one I got as a gift. The heads on those things look perfect…to put your weed in.
5. The Vegetable Drawer
You know they won’t dare look in there! If by some curse of fate you have a vegan teen, hide it in the meat area. Whatever. It’s your responsibility as the parent to be dialed in enough to know which refrigerator compartment is least likely to be visited by bored, crafty offspring.
6. Litter Box
Most people are concerned with where to hide the actual litter box, but not you. You’re concerned with hiding your weed. Tuck that sealed stash right under the corner of the litter box. Your thankless children avoid chores like it’s COVID-19. Use this to your advantage for once. Volunteer to take responsibility for this household chore and never worry again. Everyone hates this job, now you can
take toke it on.
—Uncle Skunk continues to have Louis in his thought clouds.