With the amount of time spent in front of a screen increasing by the day, I was determined to find non-electronic ways to fill my time. I’m not talking about normie chump stuff, like reading a book or painting a picture. I’m talking about bad ass, HIGH-action activities to really get your blood pumping!
All you need are a few household items, an active imagination and some good bud. Your experience may vary.
1. Play Calvinball.
If Bill Watterson’s cartoon about an imaginative young boy, his tiger and their adventures were not a part of your childhood, I’m sorry and hope you are able to do some teletherapy work on this trauma very soon. Calvinball, which was invented within the comic and has no set rules or equipment, became the perfect time waster for me and mine. There is only one hard-and-fast rule in Calvinball: You cannot play it the same way twice. Auntie Skunk and I ended up with something like this the last time we played:
You hit the backwards-pitched softball with a golf club and then throw the frisbee towards 13th base, while hackey sacking around the bases/goals of the octagon — all while the pitcher is blindfolded and using a tennis racket to try to hit you with beer pong balls, while singing, “I saw a tigerrrrr….” Your rules should differ.
2. Bet on dumb stuff.
If you’ve got a significant other or roommate, you’ve got a gambling buddy! Since casinos have been ordered to close and sports are cancelled for the foreseeable season, it is our duty as Americans to use our ingenuity to find action in everyday life! For example, you could take bets on…
- How long it takes a piece of already-gross Braum’s rye bread to mold over;
- How many pieces of insufferable COX junk mail is in the box today (if that’s too easy to guess, make it less specific);
- Number of Russian bot viewers at your musician friend’s live stream concert;
- If Patrick will ever move out of his parents’ basement;
- How many Sooner tears will be shed if football season gets cancelled; or
- The date these depressing times will end (or, alternatively, the date the world will actually end).
3. Fuck with your neighbors.
If you’re lucky, you’ve been avoiding your neighbors for as long as you can remember. But this is a new day, folks. New ideas:
- Get your best (only) pair of binoculars; tip those shades cautiously; and start tracking their every movement, plotting out their weekly activities in a pocket journal. Let them catch you peering out through your blinds a few times. Who knows, maybe you live next to a sex maniac serial killer who’s keeping captives in his basement!
- If you know your neighbors, put on your bucket hat and be ready to intrude upon their backyard fun with timely advice and opinions.
4. Swap places with your pet.
Feel like releasing your inner Furry, or at least exploring it? This activity will get you thinking inside the litter box and understanding how these wonderful creatures get by like this, day after day. After dressing up my cat in a black band tee and jeans, I proceeded to strip down to a collar and crawl about on all fours, meowing madly into the void while looking for something to jump up on and knock over. Let me tell you, I took a lot of naked naps, ate food from the floor…and it seemed pretty good, until I realized the only way I could get high was by eating catnip.
5. Channel your inner Croctopus.
He makes whipping up tasty weed-treats and eats look so easy, it should be a breeze…right? Put on your CannaChef’s hat and try out some crazy ideas; who knows, the Croctopus might invite you to join in on a future an episode of Eat Weed! I did my best with a concoction called Weed Eggs, and damn…it did not turn out well. At least I have plenty of time to try my hand at a new recipe.
6. Become an Ogle Mole.
What better way to pass the time than to become a proud supporter of your favorite obscure, local indie media fam? You can kill even more time, if you share a juicy tip or ten on shady Oklahoma lawmakers or some bizarre local shenanigans. Along with becoming near-sighted, living underground and enjoying the taste of grubs, you might also enjoy annoying your neighbors by burrowing under their lawns and gardens. This could create potential cross-over with #3, Fuck with your neighbors.
—Uncle Skunk never enjoyed Easter.