Can you believe it’s already the second 420 Oklahomans get to celebrate legally! I should be happier at the prospect of out-doing myself from last year, but — alas! — I’m haunted by the knowledge I won’t get to pass the L on the left hand side this year. Thanks, Coronavirus.
All this stinkin’ thinkin’ got me wondering if we should just pass altogether on celebrating 420 this year. I came up with 10 good reasons to abstain from marijuana on this highest and holiest of daze:
1. You have places to go and people to see.
And you best believe nobody and no flu is gonna stop you! It’s important to be 100-percent on your game — mind and body sharp — in case you encounter any of the Fascist #stayhome set out there trying to take your freedoms. They will most likely be inside trying to take your freedoms, but still…you can’t take any chances. You need a clear head, like Carol Hefner.
2. You keep telling yourself 2020 couldn’t possibly be worse but want to know for sure.
Abstain today to find out.
3. You’re broke AF and have no weed.
You were barely getting by before COVID-19 hit. See #2 above. The stimulus check has been
spent smoked; your emergency stash is long gone; and you can’t even go next door to borrow a cup of weed.
4. It’s high time you stared into the abyss.
Nietzsche believed suffering to be the only thing that bestows value upon the world. So to fully appreciate what we already have, we need to embrace the inherent suffering of a smokeless 4/20. Stare into the abyss! Stare!
5. You are an essential worker.
Goddamnit, you guys are superheroes! Thank you for taking one for Team Oklahoma and not getting high on 4/20. We deeply appreciate your sacrifice.
6. You caught Covid-19.
You’re probably in the hospital and shouldn’t be getting high anyway. Good speed and gods luck.
7. You broke all your paraphernalia in a fit of rage.
Maybe the first one happened when you found out your 2020 OKC Thunder season tickets were cancelled without a refund. No doubt you’ve had one since, perhaps after watching one too many daily White House Coronavirus briefings. Regardless of the ‘why,’ your bongs and pipes are smashed and you still can’t roll a functional joint to save your life. No weed for you today.
8. You thought it might be the right time to try cocaine.
Everyone knows marijuana is a gateway drug. Why not prove D.A.R.E. right and take the next logical step in the drug journey: Do some coke on 4/20, instead! What could be more fun than getting yourself all worked up into a sweaty state of extreme agitation and talking to the walls?
9. You’re a contrarian.
Always cooler than the other kids, you’re way too woke to do the same shit everyone else is doing. 4/20 is the one day of the year you do not smoke weed.
10. Edibles kicked your ass and you are sleeping through it.
You might inadvertently abstain on 4/20 if you ate all the edible samples your editor gave you — which caused you to stay up all 24 hours of 4/19 writing this article and you slept through the entire next day. What a job! ?
—Uncle Skunk reminds you that hindsight is always 4/20.