7 Reasons Why Oklahomans Are Getting Super High

Maybe you accidentally watched a Gov. Stitt press conference. Ugh! Maybe both kids are almost finished with their school work. Yay! Since Coronavirus came to town, each new day brings a bazillion reasons — good and bad — to get high. Oklahomans are a sturdy, resilient people, but even we can only toke take so much!

Here are seven reasons Oklahomans are smoking more weed than ever:

1. Distance learning is mind-numbing!

I have a kid who is halfway through with this distance learning crap. I’m over it, he’s over it, and I’m pretty sure the teachers are over it. I read those journal comments…”I bet you’ll be an artist some day.” Not a chance, Rhoda. But we are all still alive. I’m calling it a win and a reason to get high.

2. Unemployment is the worst!

Being unemployed sucks and is a damn good reason to get high. It sucks even worse when it takes four weeks and a couple hour-long phone calls with the Oklahoma Unemployment Security Commission to fix a problem, so you can get that money (thank you, Mike, who may or may not have been high when he took my call).

PS. Robin Roberson, you guys must do a better job. People are struggling hard.

3. Graduation ceremonies are cancelled!

This one could go either way. You could mourn your child’s missed rite of passage…or you could celebrate that you don’t have to sit through the abject awfulness that is the Cox Convention Center graduation ceremony and foot the bill for the obligatory afterparty.

Oklahoma’s small town schools make a huge deal of graduation — some drag the festivities out through an entire week! So for these folks (and for helicopter parents in general), the graduation FOMO is real.

Either way, this is ample reason to toke up.

4. Stimulus checks arrived!

No doubt ya’ll are using a little chunk of that stimulus check to sturdy up your cannabis supply. I was super happy to wake up the other day to find the IRS had put some of my money back into my bank. Yay! Getting money is a reason to get high. My shut-up-and-consume stimulus money has arrived! Now I’m going to do as I’m told and go stimulate that economy!

5. Epic Charter Schools has your email address!

These people are as relentless as multilevel marketers, but if you can look past all the frauds and financial schemes, Epic has this “distance learning” down to an art! Having said that, the stalking to re-enroll my son was epic. It definitely drove me to toking. Eventually I got high enough to get over the fact that it was Epic and made that enrollment process my bitch. Or I did it totally wrong. I’m sure they’ll let me know.

6. Store employees are being threatened by Derps!

Following CDC guidance to wear a face mask in public is now cause for outrage and abuse.

“Store employees have been threatened with physical violence and showered with verbal abuse,” Stillwater City Manager Norman McNickle said in his press statement. “There has been one threat of violence using a firearm.”

Stellar Stillwater leadership responded by giving gun fetishist bullies their way: No mask for you! No mask for you! No mask for you! The really hard core Derps have also boycotted hand-washing (and all stores and restaurants that require employees to wash their hands). I had to smoke a joint to calm down from this news.

7. Braum’s saved the day!

The biggest worry in our house is running out of milk. We had an emergency last week, when somehow Walmart had none (how?). The extreme nature of the situational anxiety led me to hit the vape pen and come up with Plan B. I sent Weed Dad to Braum’s — and, of course, they had milk! They got the rest of the order wrong, of course, but I was too high and happy to care.

As you get your week started, be mindful that the decision to re-open everything is about profits, not people. Pretty please make choices for the health and safety of you and yours accordingly.

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