Cooking with the Croctopus: Vegan Cheese Sauce

What’s up kids! Right before the apocalypse, my doctor said my blood had way too much butter in it and that I’m not a spring chicken anymore so I better do something about it.

One of his suggestions was to try a plant-based diet. Animals are very cute but some of them are very tasty. So instead of full on vegan, I decided to try 80/20 veg and meat and it’s been a huge success. I am losing weight and I haven’t done one exercise. I think it’s the extra fiber.

Let’s be honest. There aren’t a ton of vegetarian restaurants in OKC, but I’m here to shout out the Loaded Bowl. Best mac and cheese in town and it doesn’t even have cheese in it. You other restaurants are really fuckin’ up. Loaded Bowl is kicking your ass with one hand behind their back.

Since I live in Norman, it’s not easy to get to LB, but I am here for you. Here is a vegan cheese sauce that doesn’t even need weed to get you lifted…but you know we put weed in it anyway.


2 cups raw cashews
3 tbsp lemon juice (about 1 large lemon’s worth)
4 cups water, divided plus more as needed
1/2 cup nutritional yeast
1/2 tsp smoked paprika
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp onion powder
1/2 tsp chili powder (I didn’t have any, so I used some piri piri pepper*)
2 tsp kosher salt or to taste
2 tbsp canna-oil
1-2 tsp sriracha (This is optional. Use a vegan version if that’s important to you.)
1/2 tsp turmeric for color (optional)

*This recipe is just a guideline. Put whatever you think you want in there to make it more “cheesy” or to better utilize the ingredients you have. Like vinegar in place of lemon juice or piri piri instead of chili powder. It’s your life, make it tasty!


  1. Soak the raw cashews overnight. This step is crucial. If you don’t do this your cheese won’t be smooth AF like mine is.
  2. Blend everything, except the hot sauce and a reserved cup of water, together until smooth. You can blend in the sriracha, but I find it better to add at the end to taste.
  3. In an appropriately sized saucepan, warm over medium heat until it reaches YOUR desired consistency. It really depends on what you are using it for. Mixing in some pasta? Thinner. Doin a chip dip? Thicker. This is where you can use the extra cup of water if you need to thin things out.
  4. Eat it.

This sauce will thicken as it cools, so when you want to reheat it, maybe add a little water to thin it out.

Welp, that’s how I make vegan cheese sauce spiked with delicious medical marijuana. I hope you give a few plant-based options a try to help with your butter blood.

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