8 Things Stoned Oklahomans Can’t Stop Buying

The Daily Disappointment did not disappoint the other day, when they published this gem of a lede:

“Roll aside, toilet paper.”

What in the world could be more important than toilet paper? Via The Oklahoman:

Oklahomans rushed to purchase another product in record volume last month, as medical marijuana dispensaries logged enough sales to spike tax collections by more than 25%.

The article took a deep dive into the numbers, eventually concluding that each of us spent nearly $217 on weed in April. We have a pretty good idea what else Oklahoma medical marijuana patients can’t stop buying these days…

1. Baked Cheetos

I should have stocked up on Baked Cheetos. The continued shortage is clearly due to all the other half-baked moms out there. They’re delicious and just healthy enough I really don’t care that I will eat the entire bag. That cat makes me laugh, too.

2. Literally Everything at Braum’s

Have you seen the lines of cars wrapped around Braum’s lately? We are buying that shit by the metric fuckton. Because it is delicious, because the world is ending, and because we are so high we don’t even mind if they totally fuck up the order (they will). Lucas has seen so much Braum’s action, he can determine your personality based solely on which combo you order.

3. Pioneer Woman Bakeware

This stuff is flying off Walmart shelves for one of two reasons: Either pot heads are getting baked and baking…or Karens are throwing these at their husbands, screaming at them to go the fuck back to work. Either way, we like to see everyday Oklahomans like you and me and Ree rise to the challenge of adversity.

4.  Hall’s Pizza Kitchen

According to the delivery guy who just returned to OKC from studying abroad, downtown’s bougie pizza spot has never been busier. Record-breaking sales. Hall’s pivoted quickly to a delivery model and is banging out pizzas faster than GOP lawmakers rigging an entire election system. This pizza is so good it almost covers up the bad taste left from that time owner Elise Hall, who is a woman, blocked equal pay for women.

5. Rad Hombre

We don’t get tasty waves with our cool buzz, but landlocked Okies are drinking up this Mexican-style lager — which tastes a whole lot like summer. If ya’ll don’t slow down, someone is gonna raid The Lost Ogle’s beer fridge, which is always filled with all the Anthem beers.

6. Ozarka

For when your dry-mouth is so bad Rad Hombre can’t fix it. Sometimes I feel like my tongue is too big for my mouth and I swallowed sand. But a smooth drink of Oklahoma’s own Ozarka water, and all is good. Must be those artesian wells, steam distillation and reverse triple-double osmosis.

7. Cinnamon Toast Crunch

The shelves are looking a little bare, and ya’ll know the little people are not eating all that delicious cereal. Epilepsy means I can’t drive to the school to get the free breakfast/lunch, so please just leave a little of the Cinnamon Toast Crunch…for my kids.

8. Bob Mills Furniture

Just kidding! We’ve been watching entirely too much local TV these days, and Bob Mills is the douchey pest whose face begs a punch at every commercial break. He is spending some serious advertising money to get you to spend some money during this pandemic. Just stop trying to make it happen, Bob! No one is giving their stimulus money to you! 

—Oklahoma’s economy now runs on weed. 

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