Renting sucks for all kinds of reasons, like paying insane amounts for small spaces, following rules like a child and not being able to smoke in outdoor spaces. OUTDOOR SPACES! I’m respectful, anti-social and kind with my smoke. I’ve tried all kinds of non-smokable ways to consume marijuana, but I keep coming back to the old school method of smokin’ Js.
Let’s see if these seven sneaky spots to smoke can keep me enjoying my tokin’ sessions without getting fined or evicted from my temporary residence.
1. Across the Barb Wire Fence
Lucky for me, my apartment is fairly close to the outskirts of the property. I could just cross the fence and light up. Technically I wouldn’t be on the property anymore. Maybe we could get a drum circle going and make some new stoner friends. Look how that turned out for Matthew McConaughey! Arrested, yes, but with the coolest story to tell the grandkids.
2. Down the Obnoxiously Long Drive
This particular complex has an entrance longer than the Yellow Brick Road. I could take a stroll down to the end of the drive and back while puffing, and nobody would probably even notice. Probably. Surely your complex, too, has a similar design peculiarity conducive to taking a sneaky smoke break.
3. On the Patio
I do have a very private patio, and I do wake up early. Wake and bake? This sounds like a good idea. Maybe the best idea. So long as none of the complex Karens narc me out, this me-time can stay all mine. Make sure to keep the suspicious weed coughing to a minimum; you wouldn’t want to start any rumors.
4. In the Shower
This sneaky smoke spot is relaxing af. And helps hide the smell. Smoking pot in the shower is pretty close to heaven — certainly as close as I’ll ever get. I’ll forfeit my deposit for that. Pro-tip: Make sure you don’t set off any fire alarms; nothing gets by those nosy, chirping chumps.
5. Switch to Dry Herb Vaping
Dry herb vaping is the one tactic I have not yet deployed but am very interested in. Trever wrote about it a while back, and it seems so much simpler, since you don’t have to roll it up or pack a bowl. Just grind the flower and done. For apartment-dwelling purists who aren’t too fond of vaping concentrates, this discreet method may solve it all.
6. Take a Tolerance Break
What the fuck??!?! You didn’t sign up for this bullshit advice! It’s a scary, foreign concept — I know — but a tolerance break would pay off big-time. I’ve been going pretty hard for a while without a break and have noticed it’s hard to hit that peak without multiple forms of consumption. Taking a break will also throw off your nosy neighbors…just when Karen was certain you were breaking the rules!
7. Where all the Other Smokers Smoke…(Duh)
There must be others out here sort of like me! You can find this spot, which has already been vetted by smokers — just follow Mother Earth’s tears falling over the non-biodegradable pile of cigarette trash. And promise you won’t add to it.
In my apartment complex, not unlike most, the first time you get caught smoking it’s a $200 fine. It increases from there, until they just kick your been-caught-smoking ass out after like the third time. Being told what to do is no fun, but being homeless is less fun.
—Weed Mom is loathe to break the rules and does so only politely.