Last year, Oklahoma pop culture enthusiasts were rattled by my shocking and also fake exposé of high profile Okies jumping on the Tokelahoma bandwagon with their own celebrity weed brands. This year, we’ve set our sights on Oklahoma’s own U.S. Senator, James Lankford. It’s time he made a hard run at the alt-right men who love marijuana almost as much as they love fascism!
Given how far Sen. Lankford is up Trump’s ass and his love of Oklahoma flowers, we thought he should have his own line of cannabis smoking and growing products, Dankford Supplies™ — targeting Republicans who have not yet come out as Patriotokers®. We even took the liberty to identify potentially sympathetic D.C. investors, such as Lindsey Graham, Jerry Falwell, Jr. and Mike Pence to get this these five signature products off the ground:
Closeted Grow Lights
Ah, the closet. One of the first places I think everyone has either gotten high or tried to grow pot! Dorothy knows ya need some light in there. With a hefty market of closeted Republican tokers already eating right from his hand, it only makes strong business sense for Sen. Lankford to take this plunge. Dankford Supplies™ Closeted Grow Lights would be special, low output bulbs — almost imperceptible to every type of radar — perfect for avoiding detection by your constituents, church, friends, family and wife!
Holy Water Hydroponics
Sen. Lankford would never sow his sacred seed without H20 from Quail Springs Baptist Church, so we are adding this to the product line. Each bottle of Dankford Supplies™ Holy Water Hydroponics will come with a touching piece of scripture on the label. Skunkians 4:20 –
“Thou shall taketh thine seed of Eden, bury it for three days whilst sprinkling with holy water. When the baptized bud rises from its grave, prepare its body into a cross joint, light it ablaze with the sacrificial fire, while inhaling and exhaling the holy smokey spirit.”
Blessed are the stoned, Sen. Lankford, for now YOU can inherit their worth. Ahhhmen!
Filling the slots in the holy hydroponic grow system would be only the most red-, white- and blue-bleeding strains GOD ever put on his good green earth. God Bud, AK-47, American Dream, Holy Grail Kush and Southern Baptist Lives Matter are just a few of the Dankford Supplies™ strains that would be first to market. More to come when we invade another country for their oil. Support the military (and militarized police) or get the H-E-double-hockey-sticks outta my country, libtards!
Don’t Ask, Don’t Smell (SmokeBuddy)
Speaking of militarized police, they should have the freedom to blaze up when they’re out on the front lines of freedom, patrolling for terrorists and protestors. Until Sen. Lankford and his butt buddies on the hill federally legalize marijuana, what better way to hide your stinky smoke than with a Dankford Supplies™ SmokeBuddy® (or tear gas)! With its patented sucking technology, you could blow all the hot air from your toke into this discreet device to keep the smell hidden. This would be a top seller.
Whether you need to get your THC-ridden urine clean for a government-mandated test or are just a golden shower enthusiast like the president, this hard-to-swallow pill would hit your stomach like a rubber bullet. Though Dankford Supplies™ Pee Cleaner would most definitely make your urination burn like tear gas, your pee’s dirty little secret would be as safe as a politician’s non-disclosure agreement.
God luck and good speed, Sen. Lankford, in your business ventures and in your great white struggle against the ever-growing tyranny of the American people. Do let us know if you need any more ideas or would like to buy some ads?
—Uncle Skunk is registered to vote and not liking his choices.