Ah, youth…a thing some wish to relive, while others are glad to have that shit behind them. However you look upon your younger years — if you toked back then — we’re talking non-zippered sandwich baggies of pressed Mexican weed where you can actually see a corner of the brick.
Chances are, back in the day you did or witnessed at least one of these five vile and repulsive things in the name of getting high:
1. Smoke unsmokable shit
I’m gagging at the memory of that acrid, smoldering stench filling up the small attic crawl space above my friend’s garage/jam room. Grinding and splitting stringy stems in hopes some THC in them might get you high — all the while having seeds explode in your face and a headache, afterwards, that you could never justify.
The only smell worse than that is the putridness of burning resin, those black bits of smoke poop that build up on the inside of your pieces. You’re supposed to dry it out, but I never saw anyone have the patience and only did it once, myself.
–
2. Dirty bong habits
Everyone has owned one of those cheap, see-through, multi-colored acrylic bongs, probably bought from Mr. Coolz or Ziggy’s. These things were notorious for collecting resin on the inside, and I never once smoked out of a clean piece.
I once lived in a house I loving named, “The House of a 1,000 Pieces.” Aside from never cleaning those bongs, we had dudes actually drink the disgusting, murky water from these vaporous vases of virulent viruses. It was that dickhead Dustin, mostly. I still hate that guy.
–
3. Spit-swapping
How gross and unaware of the evil and just plain yuck that lurked at the business end of the scraggly looking joints we used to share in high school. Remember sitting on the ground, knee-to-knee, cross-cross-apple-sauce style? Puff puff passing until the lightweight of the group was so high he didn’t notice getting puff puff passed up.
To have five people in the smoke circle wasn’t unheard of. Looking back, how grody were we! Also, how great was it to be so clueless and carefree!
–
4. Repulsive munchies
For every time we polished off a perfectly respectable Sam’s Club case of Keebler elves’ Sandies Pecan Shortbread Cookies, there were at least as many times we rooted through our friend’s parent’s fridges and cobbled together something truly revolting in a crude attempt to satisfy an outrageous case of the munchies.
Like spoonfuls of weird leftovers hidden in recycled sour cream containers…slimy hot dogs that are totally fine after you rinse them off. Own it. And thank the great Thunder Lizard you had guts of steel.
–
5. Squalid house aesthetics
Home. A/k/a shrine built entirely to honor the plant that gives us the sacred knowledge and also unintentionally justified all the mockery douchey conservatives direct at stoners:
All manner of niche and stereotypical weed-themed tchotchke adorned every nook, cranny and available wall space, making it very awkward whenever a parent popped in for an unexpected visit. Sagging couches from Oklahoma Discount Furniture sometimes doubled as beds. Trippy mandala patterned sheets covered the windows, giving it a feel of “this is only one step up from a crack house.” Ruinous remains of dirty dishes and pots past, all covered with a fine dusting of ash and weed. The anomaly here is that one side of the sink is clean and clear, if only to be used for gravity bong hits.
—Uncle Skunk just cleaned his bong.
