Shocking to no one who believes in science, new COVID-19 cases are soaring across Oklahoma. OKC Mayor McSelfie took some time out of his busy schedule to address the public with his concerns. He issued familiar words of warning to the same deaf ears and unmasked faces.
Unless you’ve been wearing your mask over your eyes, it seems pretty obvious what’s coming next. So here are 7 things to stock up on, before we’re all sent back from gen pop to lockdown status.
1. Zig Zags
Or if you’re fancy, Raw Cones, but goddamn it, we’re in a recession! Do yourself a favor: Quit buying them one or two packs at a time and just order a giant case off Amazon.
2. Ounces, Ounces, Ounces
This will be a special time (second time around has to be!) — you’ll need plenty of weed and plenty of variety. I suggest getting three different ounces, just to be safe. Different taste, different smell. And definitely knock me on my ass differently. Isolation is hard.
Sure, cartridges have been a hot topic lately, but you’re not dumb enough to buy Moon Mix brand anything. Carts are my favorites. This happens to be a picture of a Cartel cartridge. The ones that tend to leak are the ones that have the cotton core. The cotton absorbs the concentrate and then cools and leaks. The lower costs carts use this method. Spend your money wisely, pot heads.
4. Favorite Snacks
Stock up on your favorite snacks NOW! Like, TODAY. Buy them from anywhere except 7-Eleven…they are pious assholes with some nasty views on medical marijuana. Baked Cheetos inexplicably disappeared from the shelves for weeks last time, and I was left eating sliced apples and granola. Blah! That cannot happen again. You probably still have toilet paper from the time before, so this go ‘round invest in snacks.
Lock down is the perfect time for edibles. Nowhere to go. Day becomes night, and night becomes day. It’s a good thing I don’t metabolize edibles, because I wouldn’t be able to remember I ate one until after I’d finished the entire bag. That’s not fun. If you’re trying to avoid the COVID 19lbs or don’t have a sweet tooth, try infused seasonings or oils when you grill, and let the good times roll all the way to the backyard grill.
Gather up a rig or buy one just for the special occasion of the world ending. Remember, just a dab will do. Also try not to light your face on fire. Dabbing is not my favorite — it feels a bit methy to me — but I have done it, and Jesus Cristo!!! Sit down and just enjoy the ride. I understand why people with a lot of pain prefer this method. If you medicate with science weed, you should check out Rancho Pura Verde on your next dispensary run. They make every form of concentrate and edible under the sun, and it’s consistent, good stuff.
7. Cannabis Plants
What better time to pick up a new hobby (day drinking doesn’t count)! Gather some seeds from your $99 ounce, or select some clones from the dispensary. Let those roots spring to glory in some living soil, and create life in time of death and despair. Weed is a weed, and anybody can grow it. At least that’s what I heard recently.
—Don’t say Weed Mom didn’t warn you…