Late last summer, a new set of rules commonly referred to as the “Unity Bill” went into effect that all but promised to put “hundreds if not thousands” of Oklahoma dispensaries out of business. One of the big sticking points is a re-imagined, ridiculous way to determine whether a dispensary is too near a school.
Naturally, the dispensaries sued. Via The Oklahoman:
One of the companies involved in the class-action lawsuit filed this week, KC’s Cannabis, LLC, says it is located more than 2,000 feet away from a nearby school, but within 1,000 feet of the entrance to the dugout of a softball field, which falls within the OMMA’s definition of a school entrance.
What a huge barrel of organic fertilizer! In light of the legal wrangling, the state has agreed to temporarily halt enforcement of this new ambiguous school rule…for now. How generous of them!
We thought it would be fun to take a look at seven things that are probably more dangerous to schoolkids than having a dispensary located within 1,000 feet of the softball field:
1. Funeral Homes
It’s really hard to concentrate on your white-washed history lessons, when you know there are DEAD PEOPLE lying on slabs just across the road. Trust me on this one! My entire 5th and 6th grade years there was a funeral home across the road, and it was creepy as fuck! I’d much prefer my kids see a dispensary than to see, hear or even imagine dead people during their Creationism lessons.
2. Golf Courses
Between all the balls flying through the air and the drunken shenanigans of the tanned-calves bros, I’m fairly certain golf courses should not be located anywhere near a school or its playground. If some dude yelled “FORE” all the little kids would just start counting. Half of them forwards (5,6,7) and half backwards (3,2,1). That’s dangerous.
These might be the most dangerous places in the neighborhood. Where else is critical thinking aggressively discouraged…and blind trust in greedy, creepy, overly-Botoxed men with blindingly white teeth encouraged? I think we should start measuring church distance from schools by throwing stones. New rule: Churches have to be a stone’s throw away from the school. Sounds reasonable, right?
4. Public Pools
Even if it’s not particularly dangerous to simply gaze upon it, surely it’s detrimental to a student’s learning experience! I cannot even imagine what it would be like to stare out the window, daydreaming about the swimming pool slide during class. Think of the extra horror at the beginning and end of the school year, when all the asshole home school kids are swimming and splashing while you sit there failing math class.
5. Fast Food
Arbys: We have the meatsweats!™ Someone forgot to tell Oklahomans we’re not supposed to be proud of being a Top 10 State in obesity. Karen, your genes are not superior; your son will gain 40 lbs this year if he keeps up the lunch hour visits to the Braum’s across the street and plays Fortnite from the moment he gets home until he passes out in the La-Z-Boy®. New rule: No fast food joints within line-of-sight of schools.
6. Tiger Zoos
I have watched Netflix Tiger King twice. Tiger safaris do no belong near schools for obvious reasons. We really don’t need schools going on lockdown for a tiger escape. The active shooter and tornado drills are traumatic enough.
Safari people shouldn’t be allowed near children anyway. I’m convinced ‘big cat’ people are stone cold crazy. ‘Let’s do meth and play with big cats! Oh, shit! Here come the field-trip kiddies — quick! put up The Gimp! Free Tiger’s Blood Sno Cones, kiddies…’
Admittedly, Oklahoma’s public educational system is a rolling dumpster fire, but let’s not turn all our brick and mortar schools into landfills just yet. Landfills also shouldn’t be placed too near schools, since they produce stinky and dangerous methane gas. Hello, global warming! On the bright side, maybe those masks the kids are recommended to wear when they are herded back to school in August will help filter out some of that out toxic stench.
—Weed Mom thinks it’s ridiculous to split hairs over how to interpret the 1,000-feet-from-school rule.