I’ve been candid about being a sweaty guy. Hell, I can’t even afford that fancy deodorant that could keep my right armpit from making pit stains in every single non-black T-shirt. So, naturally — with all this hotter-than-hell Oklahoma weather — I had to figure out some creative ways to beat the heat while staying sky high!
I don’t think any of these would result in arrest and/or incarceration, but life is a game of chance…
1. Vape in the OnCue Beer Cave
I have to give it to those Cuetops and their state-of-the-art walk-in cooler! 45 degrees of bliss inside a gas station, Imagine that! If your inner hipster can stand to be around non locally brewed beverages, take a few hits off your vape and get icy in mind and body. Watching the vapor get heavy and fall to the floor with a swoosh is a cool visual while I shiver.
I would say watch out for other customers and staff, but I usually get too cold and have to leave less than five minutes in.
2. Hot Box with Braum’s at Braum’s
Nothing cools the body like the frozen treats they serve at Braum’s — with the exception of Icees (Slurpees just aren’t as cold)! 7-Eleven’s new owners have a terribly low opinion of medical marijuana users, so good riddance! A better way to enjoy your ice cream cone is with a raw cone!
First, bring a designated driver. In my case, that’s Auntie Skunk. Next, go at peak hour, so the line is long. Blaze while you wait to place your order; get your near-ice-cold cream; spark another joint; then go right back through for another chilly munchie! On a side note, I had a friend, Terrence, who worked at Braum’s and would get ridiculously high off the brownies we’d bring him. Sorry to anyone who ate at the Newcastle Braum’s around 2000.
3. Lazy River at Hurricane Harbor
For the record, it’s White Water Bay, but I’ve gotta be politically correct or Six Flags will ban me like they have at their other locations (stupid Texans and their swimsuit laws). Anyway, the lazy toilet-river has always been a way to cool off and relax while stupid brats go drown themselves in the wave pool.
Take an edible, dodge those floating band aids and don’t fall asleep in the lukewarm piss water. Remember, it is gross as f*ck but still beats the Oklahoma heat better than not being in the Lazy River.
4. The Unemployment Office
With Oklahoma’s unemployment percentage hovering in the double digits, those offices have got to be putting their over-sized industrial air conditioners on max and running them harder than a Remington Park pony.
If you’re lucky enough to get inside the building after waiting in line for seven hours, you will find the perfect place to cool off, take a few drops of THC Tincture and calm your nerves. Having been on food stamps a few times in my life, I can attest to how well they keep those government offices cool.
5. Outta State
Seriously, have you seen the forecast this week for Oklahoma’s highest neighbor? We’re talking mid-70s in the daytime! Now that’s the kind of cooling off that gets my pits feeling dry. Do armpits get dry mouth if you smoke too much? Damn Kolasaurus got me baked, Bryce!
Adversity breeds the smartest of stoners. Just ask anyone missing one of the two crucial ingredients, fire and a smoking device, and see how long it takes them to get medicated.
—By the time you read this, Uncle Skunk will be in the mountains.