Pandering news conferences where Stitt excitedly talks about how many hospital beds Oklahoma has available for potential coronavirus patients is not really my thing. But I did watch the live webcast when Eyebrows announced that he had tested positive for Covid-19.
He was chugging water like a marathon runner and working that computer like he was on week-one of distance learning. Welcome to COVID-19 life, governor!
Weed Mom is here to help. Fuck it, weed is here to help! Kevin Stitt could get his OMMA card fast-tracked same as his ‘routine’ coronavirus tests. That would be excellent news for our fine governor, because we have…
7 Marijuana Medicines that would make Eyebrows feel better than ever through his Covid-19 recovery:
1. Mary’s Medicinals CBN Transdermal Patch from Stability Cannabis – $12.00. Stitt reported some mild body aches. I’m sure being the governor is a 24/7 pain in the ass job. He should just slap one of these on his ass and keep on, keepin’ on! Or just go ahead and resign. One of these pain patches helps alleviate body aches and pains but doesn’t make you high. Perfect for somebody like Stitt who needs to make decisions and also has an entire Redwood Forest stuck up his ass.
2. Teas Time Sweat Tea 50 mg from Starbuds Bricktown – $25.00. When I have a chest cold, warm liquids and soups feel good going down. Hot tea is not the icy coldness of a Chili’s ‘Rita, but once Covid hit, ‘Rita Night at the Governor’s Mansion where Stitt does not live anyway was put on hold. Maybe Sarah and the kids can slum it up at the Governor’s Mansion while Kevin convalesces at home.
3. CannaKush Hard Candies 150mg from Fire Leaf Dispensary – $30.00. Because of the THC in these, once they start taking effect, the back of your throat starts to tingle — it’s like a cannabis cough drop. Stitt’s voice isn’t my favorite thing to hear, so if he lost it I wouldn’t be too sad, but he would. He sure likes to move his mouth weirdly while words and ‘uhs’ and ‘uhms’ fall out. Pro Tip: If you want to get the most out of your hard candies (and gummies!) don’t chew them. Suck them or place them under your tongue and let them dissolve.
4. Bison Extracts Pain Soak from The Joint Cannabis Club – $20.00. Throw the contents into the tub, crank up the hot water, and hop right in! Soak away those feelings of shame and embarrassment at having disappointed your voter base when you proved that covidiocy is as real as the virus. If you play your cards right — and Sarah hasn’t already abandoned the marital home — maybe she will join you! I just threw up a little in my mouth.
5. Rancho Pura Verde OG RSO Indica 1g from Legal Limit Dispensary – $34.59. I recently tried this and wowza! Lip Smackin’ Good! If you want the full medicinal benefits of cannabis, you will probably eventually try Rick Simpson Oil (“RSO”). If Stitt sees this version of marijuana, maybe he’d be more supportive. Open wide governor!
6. Dankland Delights Rectify Suppositories from American Cannabis Company – $40.00. Just because this governor needs something shoved up his ass. Shoved is different from stuck.
7. Dixie Brands Peppermint Relaxing Mints from Fire Leaf Dispensary – $25.00. I have a feeling Covid doesn’t leave you with the freshest of breath. I also have a feeling Stitt didn’t have the freshest of breath before Covid. If you’re not going to cover your Covid cough with a mask, at least freshen the virulent air droplets you are disbursing.
Editor’s Note: Some of the dispensaries in this article support the The Happy Ogle, and we love them for it.