As this pandemic rages on, I get the feeling some of you lazy tOkies have succumb to the Covid-19lbs and gained a love handle or gut-of-doom. Not me! I’ve been keeping ripped in both muscle and mind for the duration of this flabtastic fever and have come out stronger than ever.
Now, I’m giving you my personal fitness program for free. That’s right…FREE! (Just pay separate $1,000 reading fee.)
If Corona were a stressed out virus of a person that had put on a few extra pounds, I’d whip its ass into a shape resembling self respect and inner peace. I’ll do the same for you! All I ask is that you follow this very strict regimen to the T. No flab, only dabs!
1. Puff Puff Pump
Get one of those magnetic vape pens, attach it to the end of your metal weights and prepare to get jacked, Jack. For every 10 reps, take a rip and push on through the pain. I personally don’t like that wimpy method and prefer to just attach ever-increasing sizes of blunt and weights until it feels like I’m lifting nothing at all. Smoke is only pain leaving the body!
–
2. Highcycling
The open road is the best, just ask Lucas! Find a nice, slow-burning blunt, and light up the night for safety and pleasure. Instead of a bike bell, install a goose necked roach clip to keep your hands on the bars and your lips on the L and you’re sure to be singing some Queen before the end of the ride, you fat-bottomed girl! Note: I make sure my open road is the empty parking lot of Kong’s (after they got cancelled, of course) — safety first!
–
3. Hit-Ups
Goddamn do I hate to push/sit up, but they’re the only thing that keeps that front side from melting into a beer gut basket with a side of moobs to wash it all down. I keep motivated with one of those Oklahoma Dab Lab infused pre-rolls so potent Melissa’s husband had to tap out! Nothing gets me cranking out those reps like the worry of wasting a piece of art like this infused joint due to passing out from smoke inhalation exhaustion. There is no fear in this Doja, there is no pain in this Doja!
–
4. Danking
Dabbing while planking. You thought that last exercise was intense? Get ready to meet your new physical and mental body after planking for an hour while dabbing the entire time. Usually this would be a two-person operation, but you should be so stoned by this time that your stoner spirit animal/person/being should appear at just the right moment (before you set your carpet on fire with the blow torch). Thanks to Willie Nelson in mystical donkey form.
–
5. Munches
You don’t need crunches — you’ve already done your Hit-Ups! But you haven’t munched, yet. If you ransack the entire house and inhale all the snacks fast enough, you are sure to elevate your heart-rate and meet your daily steps goal. After all this hard work, you’ve earned a rest and cheat day! Bring the Cheetos and the weed into your bathroom (sounds weird at first), and take a nice soak in a steaming hot bath. Don’t forget that you can swim!
—The author, shown below, ripped from brain to buns
