Report: Sissy Texans Want Weed for Their Toothaches

Fun fact: Texas legalized medical cannabis use years before Oklahoma. But it was a “low-THC” program only available to patients with uncontrolled epilepsy. They have since made modest expansions to their program, but it still sucks. (It’s Texas, what did you expect).

“Whatever it is. I mean, a toothache, I don’t care.”

But recently — in a shock move — Texas Agriculture Commissioner Sid Miller told a group of Texas ganja growers that such restrictive qualifying conditions for the compassionate access program are bullshit, and he supports expanding medical marijuana:

“I would certainly expand medical marijuana,” Agriculture Commissioner Sid Miller said. “If it’ll help somebody, I’m for it. Whatever it is. I mean, a toothache, I don’t care. If it’s a cure, if it [alleviates] pain, we should be able to use that.”

Instead of making sports jokes about obnoxious, no-tackling Texans or making fun of their obviously sketchy oral hygiene, we’re going to give Sid Miller some free advice on seven new qualifying conditions his home state should add to its mediocre medical marijuana program.

In addition to toothaches, of course…

1. Hemorrhoids

For most of 2020, all Texans (and Americans, for that matter) have been taking it up the ass — and damn the back side gets sore! We could loan Texas some of our special suppositories to treat the pain and inflammation, until their medical marijuana market is as developed and awesome as ours.

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2. Human Werewolf Syndrome

Do I need to explain what this syndrome is? Excessive hair growth can’t be super great on the self esteem. I bet these pour souls smile less than their meth mouth counterparts with toothaches. Give these people weed! And let them howl at the moon.

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3. Polydactylism

If God gave a Texan an extra finger it was to hold an extra joint. Or to put up TWO middle fingers to Sooner fans each time Oklahoma does not score a touchdown. Don’t waste your talents, Texans!

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4. Foreign Accent Syndrome

Too bad I didn’t end up with this brain disorder. Foreign Accent Syndrome sounds like a lot more fun than Epilepsy. Walking around talking like the Moira Rose from Schitt’s Creek would probably only be fun for about a week, before it got really annoying. Being high would totally help to make it funnier. Especially if Texas started calling game-day plays a la Moira Rose.

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5. Fish Odor Syndrome

How would you like to smell like fish 24/7/365? Not too pleasant. But this is what happens to noodling-obsessed Texans…and to those suffering from Fish Odor Syndrome. What would break up that smell? Smokin’ weed all day! Patient license granted!

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6. Alice in Wonderland Syndrome

This disorder changes how you see the world (this explains delusional Longhorn fans), but also — and especially — your own body. Usually it happens when you have a migraine but can happen any time. Things look smaller or bigger. Lines become wavy. Colors may change. Imagine the fun our Red River rivals with Alice in Wonderland Syndrome could have while using the ganja! Or, if preferred, perhaps prevent the symptoms altogether.

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7. Walking Corpse Syndrome

I see a lot of Don’t Mess With Texas types out there looking like they might have this disorder. Walking around all depressed because their sports team sucks…probably thinking they don’t matter or might not exist. Make Walking Corpse Syndrome a qualifying condition in Texas so they can smoke a sativa and wake the fuck up!

—Weed Mom sends Texans her best wishes for alleviating their toothaches and expanding their medical marijuana program.