5 Reasons Why the U.S. House’s New Canna Bill Wouldn’t Change a Damn Thing in Oklahoma

I get it! I know you’re pumped about the headline-grabbing bill the US House just passed to decriminalize marijuana at the federal level — you’re feeling hopeful and thinking, This is going to change everything!

Wrong.

I got news for you folks: Unlike the historic-for-Oklahoma laws we passed in 2018 that did change the way I viewed the people of Oklahoma, this one will not fundamentally change a damn thing, due to some core beliefs Okies all knowingly or unknowingly harbor. Like the semi permanent road construction on I-35, some things just cannot be avoided and must be held dear — like a high school state championship ring.

Here are five Okie things I know will keep on keepin’ on, regardless of a pandemic, economic crisis or federally decriminalized weed. And I’m not gonna sugarcoat it:

1. Shitty Senators
Whether they’re old or young, they keep running, and Okies keep electing them. They could be dripping with oil money and older than dirt, or bright eyed and Bible-thumping, I believe there must be some sort of mind control going on…some nefarious government plot to make Oklahomans keep wanting these losers in office. Probably something cooked up between Dim Inhofe and Bitch McConnell.

Even though we have a House Rep in D.C. like Kendra Horn, who voted Yes on the federal decriminalization bill, she will soon be replaced with another of Oklahoma’s finest: A corrupt corporate pawn boasting a sugary smile and a thing for craft beer. Fuck it.

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2. Shitty Governors
Remember Brad Henry, the Oklahoma Governor with two first names? Can you recall any sort of scandal or blunder he got caught up in? I can’t really either, but I guess that’s kind of the point. The most noteworthy and perhaps salacious thing Gov. Henry ever did was to name July 28 “The Lost Ogle Day.” That’s a real thing.

With Governor Failin’ replaced with Governor Eyebrows, who is suggesting we pray the gay virus away, I can only hope that we see some of the economic recovery they keep talking about, so I can stop buying shake.

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3. Football
Even now as I write this article at 9 p.m., I can hear fireworks and the loudspeaker of a state playoff game off in the distance. I know this is the lifeblood of young athletic dreamers and their parents, but maybe they could keep all the fans at home?

I can only picture the face of the defensive linesman after flapping his arms up and down in the universal signal for fans to make noise, only to realize there’s no one there to scream “DDDEEEEEEEE” back. The demoralized team will surely go on to throw many interceptions and lose the game, leaving their college dreams smashed. No amount of federally legalized weed will change this.

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4. Life is Cheap
It’s probably one of the top things on any Okie’s list when asked, “What’s the best thing about living in Oklahoma?” It’s not our sports programs or colleges, and it couldn’t be the weather or natural beauty. Religious fervor probably comes in at a close second, but sadly it’s the inexpensive ignorance of living in the center of a flat, scrub infested plain with nary a mountain, river, forest or lake worth noting. I guess waves wheat are OK…L-A-H-O-M-A, but with rent and gas prices so low, I probably shouldn’t complain too much.

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5. Church
Even with old people making up the large majority of both believers and people at the highest risk for serious Coronavirus complications, they don’t want to give up the sacred ritual of waking up early on a weekend to understand why a book is telling them how to do things.

Once, back in the day, I knew a pastor who would say, “You know why Jesus is often painted laughing? Because he’s laughing at your excuses!” That’s the Okie pastor version of a sick burn. Needless to say, I haven’t been in house of worship in some time, and I plan on keeping it that way.

—Uncle Skunk wishes you a happy holidaze!