There was a sleepy little story last week in the Paul’s Valley Democrat that almost went unnoticed. But we can’t resist a good small-town Oklahoma scandal! Especially one where an Elmore City woman gets axed from an oil and gas supply company for racking up nearly $100,000 in bogus charges to her company credit card.
Guess what she bought with the money.
Recurring charges were made [by Ilene Cain] with the card to a national college recruiting company, a youth football camp in Iowa and even University of Oklahoma football tickets.
Others included medical marijuana, make-up, golf cart rentals and furniture delivered to the Cain home on at least two occasions.
OU football and weed! Imagine that! Nothing is more ‘Oklahoma.’ We might throw Ilene a parade if she weren’t likely to be behind bars by the time we got our shit together.
Perhaps the most damning revelation — aside from the thievery — came in an affidavit that referenced a Facebook account she shares with her husband. What? Apparently she can’t be trusted anywhere.
It’s pure conjecture on my part, but as a fellow Weed Mom (albeit one who pays for her weed), maybe I can get into her head.
Here are my 7 best guesses at which marijuana products Ilene Cain bought on her company credit card:
OG Kush – Being an office manager can be a massive headache. Pile on the stress of swiping money from her company left-and-right, and I can only imagine her head was pounding. Mrs. Cain may have picked up some beautiful indica flower to treat, cure or ameliorate her aching conscience.
Wana Sour Gummies – These gummies promote relaxation and tranquility, and Ilene would have needed both to get through a day’s worth of work with oilfield workers. If she was stealing money, she was almost definitely medicating on the job, and this would have been the easiest, sneakiest way to do it.
Tina’s Chocolate Cupcakes – This bitch probably threw herself a birthday party on the company credit card and got to eat these delicious infused cupcakes all by herself.
Soco Face and Body Scrub – She was probably living it up. Usually people do when they are spending other people’s money. This scrub looks like a “treat yo self” type of product and something I need to try.
Dankland Delight Suppositories – As an office manager you sit A LOT, and the Mrs. has kids. So maybe she’s part of the market buying these suppositories. I also imagine somebody who would steal almost six-figures from her employer is likely to blow an O-ring with all the nervous diarrhea and may have needed these.
Noble Nectar Diamonds – Maybe she kept her cannabis purchases local. Her spending would make one assume diamonds are her best friend. Are dabs what Ilene prefers? Is she that hardcore? Maybe. I mean she allegedly nabbed $85,000 from her employer and still took a $9,00 severance package. That’s cold as ice cold diamonds.
Forbidden Fruit – Maybe she went for the ironic, because she got a thrill from being so naughty. Ilene knew she shouldn’t be dipping her hand into the company’s honey pot to buy pot. Did Mrs. Cain snag up some Forbidden Fruit to make her feel happy, uplifted, and devilishly accomplished in her wrongdoings?
—Stealing is mean, Ilene.